There are a lot of traditions this time of year. We often do them without thinking, because we have done them since we were children. They help us re-live the magic that Christmas held for us years ago. This is totally fine. I’m not saying we should stop. But I am saying that they are dumb.
1. Christmas Trees
You kill a tree, stick it up in your living room, cover it in glitter and watch it die.
2. Non-Alcoholic Eggnog
It has a whole lot of calories with absolutely no payoff. Inefficient caloric expenditure is dangerous this time of year. Make every calorie count.
You stress out about making 56 dozen cookies shaped like reindeer, only to receive 16 dozen additional cookies from assorted people in your life. Then you complain about how many cookies there are in the house, and that you’re getting fat.
Instead of spending time with your family, you’re out spending time with strangers you resent, waiting in line to buy some crap your family doesn’t want. Plus, parking lots fill you with the kind of rage that even real eggnog can’t quell.
5. Wrapping Paper
You just killed more trees.
Just stare at a wreath for awhile. They start to look really dumb. Everyone gets obsessed with hanging little bits of dead plants all over their homes for Christmas: mistletoe, yule logs, Christmas trees, holly, garland, etc. That’s kinda weird.
These are socks you hang on your wall or about your fireplace. Think about doing that in any other context.
He’s a freak. Let’s not sugarcoat this.
9. Christmas Cards
You spend hours writing about your year, printing pictures of yourself, and waiting in line at the USPS. Then, you receive letters back and judge everyone on how pathetic their lives are, how much weight they gained, and how horribly they write. You also just killed more trees.
10. Polar Bears
If it weren’t for Coca-Cola, polar bears would totally get the shaft during the holidays. Polar bears are badass. Christmas should have fewer dead plants and more polar bears.
Are you in the holiday spirit? Find out what holiday drink you are!