I watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch religiously as a kid. It was awesome. But it also made me resent the hell out of magic and Sabrina. How could she still be an angsty teenager and have such a cool life? Totes not fair.
1) Magic
At age 16, Sabrina discovered she is a witch that has magical powers, and her life is super cool. At age 16, I discovered that my period wasn’t as regular as I thought, and I had scoliosis.
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2) Her Magic Outfits
All I want to do when I wake up in the morning is put on some kind of fantastic, trendy, compliment-yielding outfit without much effort. This never happens, because I don’t own any fantastic, trendy, or compliment-yielding outfits. Sabrina, however, got a whole Clueless-esque fashion montage with a snap of her finger.
3) Her Magic Cat
She had a talking cat. I want a talking cat.
4) Her Magic Room
Sabrina had about the coolest late ‘90s room ever, in the history of rooms, ever. I don’t want sponge-painted purple walls now, but I know my childhood would have been 65.3% better with a room like that.
5) Her Magic Bio Teacher
Her biology teacher (played by Paul Feig) created Freaks and Geeks, and directed Bridesmaids. My biology teacher carried his sick pet ferret around in baby carrier.
6) Her Magic Charisma
Why didn’t hot dude friends crawl through my bedroom window when I was in high school? Oh wait, wrong show…
7) Her Magic Closet
Sabrina had a portal to The Other Realm in her hall closet. I had a French horn and a Swiffer Vac.
8) Her Magic Choker
She could wear a choker, and it was a trendy look, not a “still trying to live in the ‘90s like a pathetic loser” look.
9) Her Magic Wardrobe-Change Abilities
I hate the process of taking off and putting on clothing. Newton’s Laws of Motion also apply my state of dress or undress. Once again, this bitch could just snap her fingers.
10) Her Magic Boyfriend
I guess the one consolation is that Harvey, Sabrina’s long-time boyfriend, turned out looking like this:
She should’ve stuck with Aaron:
Suck it, Sabrina!
