10 Reasons I’m Still Jealous of Sabrina the Teenage Witch

I watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch religiously as a kid.  It was awesome.  But it also made me resent the hell out of magic and Sabrina.  How could she still be an angsty teenager and have such a cool life?  Totes not fair.

1)  Magic

At age 16, Sabrina discovered she is a witch that has magical powers, and her life is super cool.  At age 16, I discovered that my period wasn’t as regular as I thought, and I had scoliosis.

.Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Salem the Cat

2)  Her Magic Outfits

All I want to do when I wake up in the morning is put on some kind of fantastic, trendy, compliment-yielding outfit without much effort.  This never happens, because I don’t own any fantastic, trendy, or compliment-yielding outfits.  Sabrina, however, got a whole Clueless-esque fashion montage with a snap of her finger.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch opening credits

3)  Her Magic Cat

She had a talking cat.  I want a talking cat.

 Salem the Cat

4)  Her Magic Room

Sabrina had about the coolest late ‘90s room ever, in the history of rooms, ever.  I don’t want sponge-painted purple walls now, but I know my childhood would have been 65.3% better with a room like that.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch's bedroom

5)  Her Magic Bio Teacher

Her biology teacher (played by Paul Feig) created Freaks and Geeks, and directed Bridesmaids.  My biology teacher carried his sick pet ferret around in baby carrier.

Paul Feig

6)  Her Magic Charisma

Why didn’t hot dude friends crawl through my bedroom window when I was in high school?  Oh wait, wrong show…

Clarissa Explains It All - Sam climbs through window

7)  Her Magic Closet

Sabrina had a portal to The Other Realm in her hall closet.  I had a French horn and a Swiffer Vac.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch in the Other Realm

8) Her Magic Choker

 She could wear a choker, and it was a trendy look, not a “still trying to live in the ‘90s like a pathetic loser” look.

 90's Fashion

9)  Her Magic Wardrobe-Change Abilities

I hate the process of taking off and putting on clothing.  Newton’s Laws of Motion also apply my state of dress or undress.  Once again, this bitch could just snap her fingers.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch Wardrobe Change

10)  Her Magic Boyfriend

I guess the one consolation is that Harvey, Sabrina’s long-time boyfriend, turned out looking like this:

 Harvey - Sabrina's boyfriend

She should’ve stuck with Aaron:

Aaron Sabrina the Teenage Witch's boyfriend

 

Suck it, Sabrina!

Addicted to the ’90s?  Then find out which Whedon Witch you are! 


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Emily McGregor

Hey hey! I’m Emily McGregor, and I’m Comediva’s VP of Production. I also direct our original videos, but you won’t hear me say “my vision” because that just sounds douchey. If you like our videos, send me whiskey and flowers. If you don’t like them, don’t leave a comment. Follow me @emilyamcgregor

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