10 Signs Your Dad Might Be a Drug Lord

We’ve got to say – we can’t BELIEVE how far Walter White has come since his earlier days as a loner high school chemistry teacher! Imagine being Walt Jr. AKA Flynn when he realizes that daddy’s been cooking up a multimillion-dollar meth ring the whole time and becoming a stone cold murderer in the process…!

BBDrugDadFam
So, to make sure no one else makes the imperative mistake of unknowingly letting their dad become the drug kingpin of the west, here are ten signs your dad may be a drug lord!

In college, his Chemistry team won a Nobel Prize.

BBDrugDadChemistry
Your dad is obviously super smart when it comes to compounds and chemical reactions. There’s no way he’d let all that talent go to waste on some high school kids!

All his new friends aren’t much older than you.

BBDrugDadJessie
In fact, his main BFF is the same guy who sells weed to all your friends. He’s also the same guy who gave you a swirly after detention and called you a “bitch”.

The sleazy criminal lawyer pictured on bus stop benches is always calling.

BBDrugDadLaywer
At first, it only seemed like annoying solicitations…

He worked at a carwash for extra cash. Now, he OWNS the carwash.

BBDrugDadCarwash
Most fathers would do anything to provide for their family, even if it means taking up an extra part time job washing cars. When dad announces the next day that he owns the carwash, providing for the family is no longer the only stake at hand…

He winds up naked at a grocery store with no recollection of the past few days.

BBDrugDadNaked
Don’t let your dad get away with the excuse of mental illness and not remembering what happened in the desert. Showing up naked at the grocery store? Oldest trick in the book!

Your mom wants to divorce him but never signs the papers.

BBDrugDadSkyler
Your dad moved out and divorce is now a hot topic. Strangely enough, the divorce never happens. Of course not! Dad’s worth millions – he’s the lunatic, not your mom!

You find bags of money in the attic… and the crawl space… and the dryer.

BBDrugDadCash
Tedious household chores have transformed into treasure hunts that can put the Publishers Clearing House to shame! Though a major warning sign, feel free to let this one play out for a while before you confront your drug lord dad.

For your 16th birthday he gives you a brand new Dodge Challenger.

BBDrugDadCharger
Again, your dad used to wash cars for extra cash, and now this? Did he also put a sign on the front lawn saying, “Home of the Almighty Drug Lord”?

There’s a recent spike in Mexican drug cartel hitmen in your neighborhood.

BBDrugDadCartel
Uh, yeah… those aren’t gardeners…

His ringtone is Carly Rae Jepsen’s, “Call Me Maybe”.

BBDrugDadCallMe1
“Hey, I just met you,
and meth is crazy,
but I need money,
so call me, maybe?”

Common theme song amongst many drug lords…

Finally, if after those 10 signs you’re still just as clueless as poor Walt Jr., simply take a look at your dad and decide for yourself.

If your dad went from looking like this:

BBDrugDadHappy
To looking like this:

BBDrugDadHardcore
…HE’S A DRUG LORD!


AROUND THE INTERWEBS


Share This

About the author

Lisa Wyczesany

Lisa was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago where she developed an early admiration of deep dish pizza, sausage, and Da Bears. Shortly after graduating from DePaul University, she decided to pack up and drive across the country to live in LA with her boyfriend and his two friends - because that's what responsible, educated, sensible women do. When Lisa isn't writing & performing comedy, analyzing television shows, or attempting to stay in shape, she spends her time emailing her mother all the reasons why she should still love her. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

View all articles by Lisa Wyczesany