10 Ways Mitt Romney Will Make You Feel Broke

10. He owns four houses.

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Romney owns a $12 million oceanfront residence in California, a $10 million home in New Hampshire, a townhouse in Massachusetts, and a mansion that either is home to one of his sons, or is the secret hiding place for his Cylon rebirthing tank.

Mitt also owned a $5 million dollar ski house in Utah, but he sold it in 2010 because, you know, owning a ski house in Utah makes you look kinda “fancy.”

9. His family photos looks like this:

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(Just in case you were wondering: those stairs lead to the 59th floor of his California mansion, where Mitt keeps a life-sized replica of the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars.)

8. He’s 65 years old, but could easily be mistaken for the newest Ralph Lauren model representing their line of diamond-encrusted business suits.

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7. You have a strange suspicion that if you ever met him in person he would probably mistake you for his valet’s valet.

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6. He likes making $10,000 bets on a whim.

During the Republican primary, Mitt Romney famously bet Rick Perry $10,000 dollars that Perry couldn’t prove that Romney supported a national health care mandate.

Now, think about it: when have you EVER bet someone $10,000 dollars for anything? Even if it was a joke? Yeah. Never. That’s because $10,000 dollars probably covers a weekly spa day with Extra’s Mario Lopez for, like, the next decade.

5. You have a sneaking suspicion that if you ever met Mitt in person he’d smell like caviar dipped in pure gold and sprinkled with Richard Branson’s billionaire sweat.

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4. If elected, he’d be the richest U.S. President in history.

Okay, he would only be about the fourth richest U.S. president in history.

(Apparently, George Washington was a real baller. Who knew, right? Founding Father? More like Founding Sugar Daddy.)

3. He’s about 1,800 times richer than you.

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Romney made 45 million dollars in the last two years. Of those 45 million, Romney is reportedly giving 3 million to the IRS, 4 million to the Mormon church, and another 3 million to fund his and his wife’s daily re-enactment of every scene in a movie where a couple wins the lottery, and then has sex on a big pile of cash.

2. His old job was making millions off of you losing your job.

One of his main responsibilities working for Bain Capital, his former job, was laying off workers and raising the salaries of top executives in order to make the companies he worked for more “profitable and efficient.”

The catchy buzz words for it in the business world are “creative destruction.” The catchy, buzz words for it in your own household are: “just plain fucked up.”

1. He’s installing a “car elevator” in his California mansion.

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Come on! Who else does that other than James Bond villains, Scrooge McDuck and…

Oh my god. I just realized something: Mitt Romney is The Batman.


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About the author

Ollin Morales

Ollin Morales is a fiction writer and professional blogger. His blog, Courage 2 Create, offers writing advice as well as strategies to deal with life's tough challenges. Courage 2 Create was named one of The Top Ten Blogs For Writers two years in a row (2011, 2012).

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