Some of you may be thinking, “Why celebrate being free from Great Britain? British people are known for their alluring accents and non-judgmental approach on beer consumption.” I don’t have the answer. But I WILL tell you what is and isn’t appropriate this Independence Day.
DO: Take off work. Are you kidding me, you have to work on the 4th of July?
DON’T: Tape a large poster-board diagram that explains the definition of “Federal” and “Holiday” on your boss’ car. He just got that car and he’s very particular about it.
DO: Embrace the colors red, white, and blue when you hit up your friend’s BBQ. You don’t want to be that guy who’s unpatriotic while everyone else is grilling.
DON’T: Come to your friend’s BBQ wearing only the American flag. If you want to impress everyone, you’re better off coming naked.
DO: Have a cocktail in the middle of the day. You only live once. It’s a holiday. And those TPS reports will still be there on Tuesday.
DON’T: Drink while holding extra-life multi-color sparklers, remember what happened on Labor Day last year?
DO: Have an Independence Day party where people come dressed up as Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, and over-sized aliens.
DON’T: Become a scientologist.
DO: Memorize the lyrics to Katy Perry’s hit single, “Baby, You’re a Firework,” and serenade that new intern from work when he thinks he’s off the clock.
DON’T: Memorize the lyrics to Katy Perry’s hit single, “Baby, You’re a Firework” and serenade your ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t want you.
DO: Invest in your favorite childhood fireworks.
DON’T: Experiment with illegal fireworks while crossing U.S. borders — we all know about Arizona, and we’ve all seen documentaries on Police Brutality (or at least heard about it in many rap songs from the 90s).
DO: Bust out that fake copy of the Declaration of Independence that you bought as a souvenir from your high school trip to Washington DC. That Thomas Jefferson, he’s a hoot, isn’t he?
DON’T: Get drunk and run around trying to impress everyone with American history facts that you learned from reading Wikipedia last Friday night. You’re not Sarah Palin.
DO: Find that cute guy who lives on your block, invite him to your get together, and then make out with him at midnight during your local fireworks finale.
DON’T: Mess this up.