Scholars agree that the '80s remains "the decade that fashion forgot." However, if we want to continue thriving as a species, we must look away from the mirror, turn back to the past, and embrace '80s style with open arms!
Why can't we just move forward and forget that spandex unitards were once legitimate apparel? The answer is simple: Our complacent modern society needs a slap in the face and an awakening jolt that only a whiff of Aqua Net can provide. In short, we need to revisit the worst of '80s style for the same reasons that American Apparel advertises with photos of anorexic-looking models, why sad people drink too much, and why the world might end in nuclear war any day now. We, as a culture, MUST engage in self-destructive fashion behavior so we can spark a discussion, so we can take a closer look at the way we live, so we can fix ourselves as a race. Before it's too late.
After all, wouldn't you rather commit a communal couture faux pas rather than watch society implode, crumble, or burn? History repeats itself for a reason; fashion trends undergo cyclical resurgences not by chance -- but by sociological design.
Fortunately, we don't need to go full-on "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" to save ourselves. By embracing just a few key fashion and beauty trends from the 80s, we can subtly remind the world that we need to learn from our past in order to protect our future.
Here's the plan to save humanity, using the three quintessential style gaffes of '80s style:
Then: It was acceptable to wear the same shade of denim jacket or jean shirt as the jeans or 'jorts' you were wearing. In fact, it was encouraged.
Now:We need to double dose on denim to remind ourselves that excess is dangerous and that we need to moderate ourselves. The backlash from dual denim might cure obesity in America! Wear duel denim to protest poor meal choices in schools.
Then: In the '80s, the bigger the hair, the better! They didn't call them "hair bands" for nothing. Also, those Scrunchies needed something to grab on to, after all.
Now: Perms remind us how tightly wound we are as a culture. Stress-related ailments are a huge problem. Depression is rampant. Get a perm as an advocate of mental health awareness.
Blue Eye Shadow
Then: Yes, the unbridled application of electric blue eye shadow used to be the only way to do your makeup.
Now: If all women started wearing blue eyes shadow, wouldn't society be forced to stop and think about why we objectify our females? Cake on blue eye shadow to spread the feminist agenda!
So, head to the thrift store, grab some discarded retro clothes, and start saving the world!
Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries.