George R.R. Martin has more in common with a thirteen-year-old girl than you might think. Well, kind of. Let’s look at the evidence. His Seven Kingdoms are populated by a multitude of Houses, families with long lineages that share certain values, much in the same way that pop culture is colonized by various fandom factions, each of whom stand for different things. These distinct groups argue over who is the truest teen idol and who rightfully deserves to be cast in the new Hunger Games movie. Yep, playing Finnick Odair is nearly the same thing as sitting in the Iron Throne.
So beneath the surface of giggles and I’s dotted with hearts brews a secret battle! Here are the warring houses and all they stand for!
House Belieber
Motto: “It’s like baby, baby, baby, oh.”
Sigil: Beaver
While most Beliebers hold strong ties to Canada, concentrations of them can be found anywhere there’s a middle school or a slumber party. What they lack in maturity, they make up in loyalty. Beliebers are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure Justin Bieber stays on the Top 40 list forever.
House Little Monster
Motto: “Hear me roar.”*
Sigil: Monster
Little Monsters enjoy an international presence. They convene via Twitter in order to discuss the rightful accession of their queen Lady Gaga to godlike status.
House Katy Kat
Motto: “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken, Wide Awake.”
Sigil: Kitten
There was a recent exodus of Katy Kats from England back to native California, though a few spies have been left behind to track the whereabouts of one Russell Brand. You can detect a Katy Kat by the presence of oddly colored hair or a DIY cupcake brassiere.
House Cumberbitch
Motto: “We are Sherlocked.”
Sigil: Otter
Mostly concentrated in London and anywhere in America where anglophiles meet in secret, Cumberbitches are a smaller, extremely tightly knit group. They’re known for being clever, quick-witted, with strong vocabularies. The Cumberbitches have recently shared their suffix and forged an alliance with a faction of rabid Martin Freeman fans: The Freebitches.
House Twihard
Motto: “A scoff and a sigh!”
Sigil: Bat
Twihards, a mostly North American family, are a ferocious breed. They campaign nonstop to change public opinion on Kristen Stewart while simultaneously swooning after Robert Pattinson. They are a deeply conflicted group of souls who suffer from internal ill will amongst the subgroups of Team Edward and Team Jacob, a fracture which might be the key to their undoing.
House Potterhead
Motto: “Keep Calm and Expecto Patronum.”
Sigil: Stag
Potterheads, an international congregation, are a conglomeration of a wide spectrum of demographics, all of whom appreciate whimsy and open-mindedness. They’ve recently shed the notion of self-hatred of one’s Muggleness, which has turned out to be a great boon to their community. You can be sure to find them at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando or in the YA section of any bookstore.
Which Fangirl House will rule supreme or will a battle amongst obsessed tweens wage forever?
*The same motto as House Lannister
