Spider Man – 3.7 Airhumps: This man was brave for squeezing his less than perfect ass into a tight Spidey costume. His ass was sorta like a square shaped toothpaste tube that had more paste at one end than the other. However, I give him props for putting it out there just waiting to be goosed by my greedy little hands.
Steam Punk Flash – 7.8 Airhumps: He had a surprisingly firm ass and it was fairly round, which I and I feel most humans on the planet tend to prefer. His steam punkyness got me thinking about history and asses. Beauty ideals have changed drastically over time and differ between cultures, but what about ass ideals? I feel those might be fairly universal. Maybe Harvard has an anthropology class on this.
Mario and Fry – 6.4 and 5.8 Airhumps Respectively: This was a double ass grab. What a treat! These two looked like good sports, so I went in for a double. What better thing to share between friends than having your asses squeezed by a random girl in cat ears?
Geek Guy – 8.7 Airhumps: Well, he said he’d ‘do’ me… I guess I’ll take that as a compliment! Hey if you’re gonna sling sexual harassment, you gotta take it in return… right? Right?
Steam Punk Dude – 7.3 Airhumps: Ok this guy was great. His ass was kinda small and a little squishy but I gave him a higher rating because he was THE ONLY one who ran after me after his ass was squeezed. He wasn’t pissed, but highly amused and curious of why I would do such a thing. Everyone else stood there dumbfounded as I sauntered off. This guy’s gumption earned him a couple extra humps.
Strider – 4.3 Airhumps: Ass-wise there’s not much to note, kinda flat and squishy, like undercooked polenta. But this guy barely even noticed that I had grabbed him! He seems pretty unfazed. I’ll just have to squeeze harder next year.
Deadmau5 – No Rating: Ok, so this guy doesn’t have a rating because I accidentally grabbed his wallet instead of his ass. I didn’t think it fair to say his ass was tiny, flat and square shaped. Sorry, dude! Didn’t mean to freak you out! However, I would warn this man, as men age they form what is called “Wallet Ass.” This is where your entire ass takes the form of your wallet. Why do you think women carry purses?
War Machine – 7.1 Airhumps: So I only got a little grab because of his pretty amazing armor. At first, I thought I wouldn’t have an in, but there was a little crease of fabric between the armor plates. I found your well-shaped, squishy, Achilles’ Heel, my good sir!
Powdered Toast Man – 9.2 Airhumps: This guy had a great ass! Round and firm, but not TOO firm! I could sit that ass by my desk and use it like one of those stress reliever balls, only more awesome. Goodbye carpal tunnel, hello sweet ass!