All Dead Harry Potter Characters Go to… the Starship Enterprise?

Sometimes when you die, you go to heaven. Sometimes when you die, wires get crossed and you get beamed aboard the Enterprise from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

That’s exactly what happened to some of the unfortunate Harry Potter characters who bit the dust during the Wizarding Wars. How will they deal with the curse of their eternal space-cruise?

Fortunately, Starfleet was more than happy to accommodate the star-crossed souls. It’s all hijinks and shenanigans for the crew of the Enterprise and these expired magical folk!

Data Adopts Dobby

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After Spot the cat ran away, Data needed something to fill the hole left in his cold, mechanical heart.  Enter Dobby.  Data, not comprehending the difference between a house cat and a house elf, insists that Dobby drink saucers of milk and empty his bowels in a litter box.

Dumbledore Pulls Rank on Jean-Luc Picard

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Dumbledore and Captain Picard became sworn enemies after Dumbledore insisted that the Enterprise be transformed into “Hogwarts: The Next Generation.” They still fight over who gets to say “Engage!” or “Engagiarmus!” as Dumblefore prefers.

Severus Snape Hates on Wesley Crusher

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Snape needed a new boy wonder to hate.  He found the perfect Potter-substitute in Wesley Crusher, happily hurling insults at the child prodigy.  He now harbors unrequited feelings for Wesley’s mother, Beverly.  Just like old times.

Alastor Moody Becomes Bros with Commander Riker

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Wait, what? Bros don’t share hoes.

In an odd-couple friendship, Number One and Mad-Eye became best buds.  They enjoy playing handball, heading to Ten Forward for drinks, and sharing hookers at the Holodek-simulated brothel.

Beam Me Up, Cedric

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After traveling via portkey to his death, Cedric Diggory came down with a case of transport fever.   Now he’s in charge of all things beaming-related.  Transporter Chief Miles O’Brien is happy to let the precocious Gryffindor do all the heavy lifting.

Bellatrix Lestrange Vents to Guinan

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Bitch, do I look like your therapist?

A life of villainy leads to an afterlife of guilt.  Bellatrix befriended bartender Guinan and now delights in confessing her many sins.  Guinan is always at the ready with an endless supply of synthehol.

A Lupin-Troi-Tonks-Worf Web of Love and Sex

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But I love Tonks!!!

Nymphadora Tonks and Remis Lupin took the “till death due us part” clause in their vows literally and split as soon as they bit it in The Deathly Hallows.  Tonks seduced Deanna Troi while Lupin couldn’t keep his eyes off the wolfy Worf.   Of course, the attraction between Tonks and Remus remains, so the occasional trans-species orgy occurs.

Fred Weasley and Q Form a Pranking Alliance

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Watch out, galaxy!  The mischievous Weasley and alien trickster Q have joined forces.  They’re launching “Star Trek: Punk’d” in the near future.  It’s sure to be chock full of Puking Pastilles and deadly mind games!

These Harry Potter characters are sure to go where no wizard has gone before!


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Kristen Bobst

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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