As Seen on TV Products Marketed to Sci-Fi Characters

In-your-face infomercials hawking too-good-to-be-true wonder products are a staple of both pop and consumerist culture. However, Earth isn’t the only planet riddled with loud, obnoxious direct response TV ads.

Promoters of “As Seen on TV” products have reached out to intergalactic shoppers of all shapes, sizes, and alien races – living or dead! Yep, Billy Mays’ voice still echoes in even the farthest corners of the universe.

Here are some infomercial products marketed specifically to science fiction characters!

A Snuggie for Cthulhu

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Have you ever woken from a deep sleep thinking “R’lyeh can get sooo nippy!?” Cover up those frosty tentacles with this 100-sleeved waterproof Snuggie! Now you can read the Necronomicon without exposing your tendrils to inclement elements. Yes, even wrathful Elder Gods deserve to be cozy.

The Jack LaLanne Power Juicer for Vampires

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Getting your fix of vitamins, electrolytes, and tasty red blood cells doesn’t have to be so time consuming and hard on your teeth. Liquefy your ripe victims with this brand new human juicer. It comes with two powerful settings: virgin and frappe. Act now and we’ll throw in a BeDazzler — because plain black capes are so last century.

The George Forman Grill for Reavers

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Are you a cannibal with discriminating tastes? We’ll, then we’ve got just the thing for you! Call now and order a George Forman Human Flesh Grill, perfect for all your genocidal and culinary needs! Note: Please allow six to eight weeks for delivery to Reaver Territory.

Ped Eggs for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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Are you sick of battling crime with rough, scaly feet? Embrace your metrosexual side with the Peg Egg for Mutants! Act now and we’ll throw in a Groutinator for all those hard to reach places on your shell!

A Bumpit for Chewbacca

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Does your fur hang flat, lifeless, and lacking in luster? Do you need an update to your style? Add extra volume to your lifeless locks with a Bumpit! All the lady Wookiees will go wild for your poofy new ‘do.

A ShamWow for Slimer

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One in six Class Five Full Roaming Vapors agree that excess ectoplasmic ooze is the number one most embarrassing personal problem facing modern day ghosts. Mop yourself with the ShamWow and never worry about your slime trail again!

OxiClean for Dr. Frankenstein

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Who wants to get down on their hands and knees after a long day grave robbing and monster making? Mopping with OxiClean is the easiest way to spruce up your evil lair! It also gets out those crusty bile stains that average detergents just won’t budge!

A Shake Weight for Jar Jar Binks

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Do you wake up feeling hated, useless, and loathed by the masses? Would you like to improve your public image? Try the Shake Weight, now reprogrammed for scrawny Gungans. Yousa gonna be so hotsa!

Mighty Space Putty for the Crew of Serenity

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Does your dilapidated Firefly class need more TLC than you can afford to give her? Are you constantly repairing that sucker left and right? Mighty Space Putty seals airlocks and plugs engines in just a few dabs! Order now and we’ll throw in two Topsy Turvy Strawberry Planters for the price of one! Grow these rare delicacies conveniently in your own cargo bay!


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Kristen Bobst

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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