Bacon or Kevin Bacon?

Over his 34 years working as an actor, Kevin Bacon is credited with roles in 72 different movies and television shows.  Bacon is a cured meat prepared from a pig.  But, the question remains: Would the movie have worked better with a strip of bacon?  And, conversely, would food taste better with a serving of Kevin Bacon?  Let us explore:

Canadian Bacon


canadian-Bacon
Many great things come from Canada: Alex Trebek, moose, basketball, IMAX, Erika Cervantes.  However, Canadian Bacon is actually from the U.S. and, unlike regular bacon, is made from the pig’s back.  So is Kevin Bacon!


Tremors


tremors
Kevin Bacon plays a young trailer park resident who must join forces with his neighbors to battle enormous sand worms.  One of their main tactics is to create diversions to safely get past the wriggly beasts.  Clearly, a strip of bacon would have been far more effective in distracting gigantic, carnivorous worms.  Everyone loves bacon.


BLT


blt-sandwich
The standard BLT is made up of five ingredients: 2 slices of bread, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise.  It is one of the most popular sandwiches in both the US and UK.  In 1963, sculptor Claes Oldenburg created a giant BLT sandwich sculpture, made from art supplies.  A lacquered bust of Kevin Bacon MADE ENTIRELY OF BACON, was sold on eBay in 2010.

Pure bacon bust > stupid fake sandwich.

Wild Things

bacon_wildthings
Kevin Bacon plays a corrupt police detective embroiled in fraud and murder.  His Little Bacon is even unnecessarily on display at one point!  If the role of Det. Duquette had been played by a strip of bacon, everyone would’ve forgotten about the lies and violence, and sat down to enjoy a bite to eat.  Bacon has six different types of umami, you know.


Bacon and Eggs


eggs-kevin-bacon
Bacon and Eggs, also known as a Sunday Breakfast in the South and a Lumberjack Breakfast in Canada, is one of the most ubiquitous breakfasts in the English-speaking world.  Kevin Bacon is one of the most prolific actors in the English-speaking world.  A “Bacon Index” score is bestowed on thespians to indicate the number of films separating them from Kevin Bacon.  There is no “Bacon and Eggs Index.”  Not such a big shot now, huh, Bacon and Eggs?


X-Men: First Class


xman-bacon
Kevin Bacon plays Sebastian Shaw, the leader of the Hellfire Club, intent on triggering WWIII and conquering the globe for mutantkind.  If a strip of bacon had been cast as Shaw, the Hellfire Club could have plied the Russkies with rendered bacon grease, which is delicious and has very little additional nutritional value.  The now-fat Russians would be too sluggish and concerned with their ill-fitting uniforms to resist the devious plot.  It’s the end of the world, as we know it.  And we feel fine, because there’s bacon.

Photoshoppin’ by Emily McGregor 


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About the author

Luis Navarro

Luis Navarro is a token man slave and writer for Comediva.  He is a proud Valley Boy ("Fer sure") and martial artist.  He earned a Master's Degree in Counseling and is an ordained online minister!  He also boasts an encyclopedic knowledge of the Star Wars Expanded Universe and post-1970s movie trivia.  He is secure enough in his masculinity to admit a fondness for unicorns.

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