Battle of the Badass Bitches: Buffy vs. The Bride a.k.a. Black Mamba a.k.a. Beatrix Kiddo

What better way to celebrate Superhero Week on Comediva than to imagine an epic battle between two of the badassest of badass superheroines: Buffy Summers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Bride, aka Black Mamba, aka Beatrix Kiddo of the Kill Bill movies.Both superheroines are initially unassuming blonde babes that play to every gal’s fantasy of being an ordinary girl who lives an extraordinary life.

But which superheroine is badassest?  We’ll answer this question using nine completely non-scientific criteria.

POWERS

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Buffy:  Super Slayer-strength.
Bride:  Expert martial arts and weapons training.

Winner
:  Buffy.  Let’s face it, while The Bride may best Buffy in training, (Buffy never seems to take her training too seriously), Buffy’s super-human strength gives her the advantage in combat.

NOTABLE NEMESES

buffybride_enemies
Buffy
:  The Master, Spike and Drusilla, The Mayor and Faith, Adam/The Initiative, Glory the Hell-God, The First Evil, and most notably, her true lovey Angel.

Bride:  Vernita Green, O-Ren Ishii, Budd, Elle Driver, and most notably, her true lovey Bill.

Winner
:  The Bride.  Even though some Buffy villains were truly formidable, such as The First, lots of them were comically goofy (cough, cough, Adam).  By contrast, The Bride’s villains are the best kind of camp — while they’re hyperbolic assassins, they take killing deliciously seriously.

MENTOR

buffybride_mentors
Buffy
:  Giles, everyone’s favorite nebbish librarian with a Ripper past.  Initially, Buffy’s blasé teenagerness irritates him, but she wins him over with her self-sacrifice, and becomes like a daughter to him.

Bride:  Pei Mei, everyone’s favorite beard-whipping Sensei.  Initially, he disdains The Bride and all Americans, really, but she wins him over with her work ethic, and becomes the only pupil he ever teaches the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Winner
:  Draw.  Both of these Mentors are equally awesome and did a bang-up job imparting wisdom and skills on their mentees.  While arguably Giles was more “there” for Buffy over the course of several years, who could forget Pei Mei’s hilarious beard-whipping?

BFFs

buffybride_bffs
Buffy
:  The Scoobies, aka Xander and Willow, and eventually Oz, Anya, Tara … damn, Buffy’s got a lot of backup.  Of course, you do have to factor in that time Willow became Evil Willow.

Bride:  None.  All of the Bride’s friends turned against her, becoming mortal enemies.  This bitch works alone.  Bummer.

Winner
:  Buffy.  Buffy easily takes this one, not only because she actually has pals, but because they come in handy sometimes.  Remember when Xander talked Evil Willow out of destroying the world?  Buffy definitely gets by with a little help from her friends.

OUTFITS

buffybride_outfits
Buffy:  Who could forget Buffy battling in a homecoming dress?  Girly fantasy much?
Bride:  Who could forget the iconic yellow jumpsuit?  You know you want one.

Winner
:  The Bride.  This just comes down to personal taste, but for me, fighting in a homecoming dress seems inconvenient.  Taffeta is so scratchy!

TASTE IN MEN

buffybride_tasteinmen
Buffy
:  Has a thing for the bad boys, aka her once-mortal enemies Angel and Spike, who have both tried to kill her.

Bride:  Has a thing for the bad boys, aka her once-lover Bill who has tried to kill her.

Winner
:  Draw.  Both of these bitches need to work on their self-esteem and attract some decent, non-sociopathic men who won’t try to murder them.

BEST WEAPON

buffybride_weapon
Buffy
:  The Slayer’s Scythe.

Bride:  Hattori Hanzo sword.

Winner
:  Buffy.  While a Hattori Hanzo sword is a formidable weapon, the Slayer’s Scythe is truly a thing of beauty.  Not only can you use it to slice through enemies and stake vampires, but it’s imbued with ancient magic that gives Slayers an advantage in battle.

GRAVE-BUSTING SCENE

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Buffy
:  Buffy’s friends resurrect her after she saved the world by throwing herself into a mystical portal, then forget to dig her out of her grave.  D’oh!

Bride:  After being buried alive by Budd, one of her nemeses, The Bride summons her training to punch through her wooden coffin like a super-ninja.

Winner
:  The Bride.  The Bride’s grave-busting is truly triumphant, and the Ennio Morricone score will make you weep like a willow.  (But not like Evil Willow).  By contrast, Buffy’s grave-busting is much more traumatic — like being ripped from a womb — as she had been in heaven with no desire of returning to life.

SWEETEST REVENGE

buffybride_revenge
Buffy
:  When Buffy destroys the Hellmouth, the source of all her ire, once and for all.

Bride:  Killing Bill with the very Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique that Pei Mei taught her … and never taught him.

Winner
:  Draw.  When it came time to complete their destinies, both Buffy and The Bride were forced to part with something that deep down, they loved.  Buffy had to destroy the sh** out of Sunnydale, her home.  The Bride was forced to finally kill Bill, and let’s face it — if they were friends on Facebook, their relationship status would def be, “It’s Complicated.”  So maybe revenge is bittersweet after all.


So there you have it, superheroine fans!  Three points go to the Buffster, three to The Bride, and three match-ups came out a draw.  Looks like Buffster and Black Mamba will live to battle another day!  I, for one, am relieved I don’t have to choose between my two favorite superheroines — after all, the world could use more badass bitches.


Who’s your favorite badass superheroine?


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About the author

Erika Cervantes

Hi!  I'm Erika Cervantes.  I'm Comediva's Boss Lady and Founder.  I'm a comedy writer, a Chihuahua mama, a cupcake enthusiast, and most importantly...my dream is to build the place where the funny girls are, and that's why you're here.  And that makes my heart smile.  :-)  I work on all Comediva Originals in different capacities -- writing and producing, mostly -- and I keep the team well-sugared with motivational speeches and home-made cookies.

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1 comment

  1. Bobbie

    Buffy and The Bride are my favourite characters out of anything ever. There’s no way I can pick between them, they’re both so brilliant in their own ways.

    I don’t get why you keep referring to them as “bitches” though, seems a bit demeaning to both characters.

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