WASHINGTON, D.C. – Fresh on the heels of tax season and prior to the biggest wedding month of the year, Congress has announced they can finally agree on one thing: bridesmaids everywhere deserve a little bit of a financial (not to mention emotional) break.
To this end, Congress has unanimously passed Bridesmaids Relief Act.
The rise of the hyper-wedding industry (aka “Matrimania”) started around 1997 when baby boomers (who actually had money then) began spending their surplus on over-the-top nuptial celebrations to “keep up with the Joneses”
One Republican Congressman, who has chosen to go unnamed as to not upset his twenty-seven year old daughter whose June wedding will cost him upwards of $275,000, asserts: “We may bicker over healthcare reform and other systemic issues, but every Congress-person can agree that weddings are putting an undue burden on a distinct subset of our constituents – females (mostly single) between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-five.”
From the bachelorette parties, to the wedding showers, to the flights, to the dresses, to the therapy sessions post-wedding when they are reminded they are still single, the whole thing has gotten out of hand for these poor gals.
Bridesmaids Relief Act (#BRAct) couldn’t have come at a better time. Although over 156 articles constitute #BRAct, below are some of the most important excerpts:
#1 – A special “arts and crafts tax deduction” will be issued for items including but not limited to feather boas, custom-made sequin tank tops, and penis straws.
#2 – If over $10,000 is spent on weddings (nationally and internationally) within one fiscal year, at least 50% of the total can be taken as a tax write off.
#3 – When a wedding is held outside the U.S., upon request the government can issue a fake letter on official letterhead which states the recipient is not allowed to leave the U.S. for any number of reasons (choose the one that seems the least incriminating).
#4 – If summoned as a bridesmaid sans a plus-one invite, the government will send a hot, naval-academy like “beard” that will happily crash the wedding and profess his undying love in front of unsuspecting yet startled guests.
#5 – Bridesmaids (this includes the Maid of Honor) will have access to 5 government-subsidized therapy sessions post-wedding. Note: Prescriptions of Xanex and other anti-anxiety drugs are not included.
When hearing the news about #BRAct, one jilted multiple-time-a-bridesmaid remarked: “It always seemed strange to me that the damn bride was getting a tax incentive to get married (helloooo, filing joint tax returns) yet she isn’t putting out one red cent for the wedding. It’s the families and friends that are fueling the wedding economy. We should get SOMETHING. #BRAct is a step in the right direction.”
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Submitted by: Rebekah Iliff
