Chuck, F**k, Stuck: Celebrity Edition!

If you’ve ever been a teenager at a sleepover, you have almost certainly played this game. It’s a game based on the hypothetical scenario that out of the three choices of people you’re given, you must choose one to marry, one to sleep with, and one to eliminate. It’s known in polite circles as Marry, Boff, Kill, but I prefer its slightly more crass name: Chuck, F**k, Stuck (or CFS to the die-hard fans). This is partly because of the impressive rhyming factor, but mostly because I’d rather use the euphemism of “chuck” instead of the straightforward “kill” (I mean, kill is pretty harsh. Chuck implies that they’re just sort of gone forever!). And since some Hollywood entertainers have really run the full gamut of characters, here’s a definitive Chuck, F**k, Stuck list for some of our favorite stars.

Johnny Depp – Tom Hansen [21 Jump Street], Roux [Chocolat], Willy Wonka [Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]

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Chuck:
Tom Hanson. He’s a young, snotty, insufferable, Republican teenage kid. Maybe when he grows up a bit, but for now, no way.

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F**k:
Roux. Vianne did it, and she ended up staying put for the first time in her life. Makes you wonder what he can do to a gal.


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Stuck:
Willy Wonka. Sure, he’s kind of creepy (okay pretty damn creepy) but he has that factory! All the sweets you could ever want and only at the price of an immature man-child!

Tina Fey – Sarah Palin [SNL], Liz Lemon [30 Rock], Ms. Norbury [Mean Girls]

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Chuck:
It’s unfortunate, but Ms. Norbury’s gotta go. I mean, I heard she’s a drug pusher!


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F**k: Sarah Palin. She’s sassy, sexy, and who wouldn’t want to hear her talk dirty in that dreamy Alaskan accent?


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Stuck: Liz Lemon all the way. She’s been around the block, but she wants to settle down, she’s got a solid career, and her head’s mostly on straightish.
 Plus her New York apartment is baller!

Bill Murray – Peter Venkman [Ghostbusters], Phil Connors [Groundhog Day], Garfield [Garfield]

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Chuck: Garfield. It’s a gimme, but I hate Garfield as much as he hates Mondays, and now as much as I hate myself for making that reference.

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F**k: Phil. Again and again and again and again. And the best part is — it could be like the first time every time!


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Stuck: What could be better than having Peter Venkman always by your side to make the monsters go away? Literally, the monsters and the ghosts and all other things spooky scary.

Geoffery Rush – Captain Barbosa [the Pirates franchise], Lionel Logue [The King’s Speech], Philip Henslowe [Shakespeare in Love]

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Chuck: Henslowe. Dude is slimy and old and probably has all kinds of venereal diseases.

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F**k: Barbossa. In the first Pirates, we could settle the question of how much those undead creatures truly physically can feel. Plus, Barbosa is a salty pirate captain — a true alpha

male.

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Stuck: Lionel Logue. He’s at the right hand of the king of England. Imagine the kind of holiday parties he and his wife would attend!

Julie Andrews – Maria [The Sound of Music], Mary Poppins [Mary Poppins], Queen Clarisse Renaldi [The Princess Diaries]

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Chuck: Queen Clarisse. It has nothing to do with her age — I’m just jealous of her royalty.

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F**k: Mary Poppins always seems to know how to make things right. And her “spoonful of sugar” sounds delightfully naughty.


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Stuck: Maria, Andrews’s second perfect nanny role. She’s almost as perfect as Poppins, but she’s not magically tied to the direction of the wind so you know she’ll stick around.

Brad Pitt – J.D. [Thelma and Louise], Lt. Aldo Raine [Inglourious Basterds], Rusty Ryan [Oceans Whatever]

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Chuck: J.D. Love the guy, but he’s a little too much of a liar, burglar, drifter, and all around criminal for me.

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F**k:
Aldo Raine. Maybe it’s the Nazi-hater in me, but that lieutenant sure looks hot carving a swastika into some S.S. forehead.


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Stuck: Rusty Ryan. Suave and charming, he’s kind of the boring choice, but isn’t that what marriage is for?

Did I miss crucial characters or get any totally wrong? Add your thoughts in the comments!


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