We’re referring to the next President of the United States, the great and terrible CHUCK NORRIS!
But no man (not even Chuck!) is an island (he’s more of an archipelago). Who would Chuck Norris select to fill out his Presidential Cabinet?
Vice-President: Chuck Norris
Should something happen to make President Norris unable to fulfill his duties to the nation, the perfect candidate to replace him would be, of course, Chuck Norris.
First Order of Business: Unlike many past V.P.s, Vice-President Norris wouldn’t be content to just sit around, look pretty (we’re looking at you, Gore!) and go on goodwill tours. He would be front and center, spitting in the eye of Iranian Vice-President Mohammad-Reza Rahimi and North Korea’s “Eternal President” Kim Il-sung, while simultaneously discovering the Lost City of Gold and ruling the Senate with a spinning back-fist.
Secretary of Defense: Chuck Norris
When President Norris needs someone to protect the United States’ interests abroad, there’s only one man for the job: Chuck Norris.
First Order of Business: American hikers arrested in Iran? SecDef Norris will enter under cover of darkness, liberate the prisoners, bring democracy to the people, shave off Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei’s beard and make President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s heart grow three full sizes.
Secretary of Education: Chuck Norris
Facing the education crisis in America head-on, President Norris chooses the smartest man he knows to serve as Secretary of Education: Chuck Norris.
First Order of Business: Determined to raise our schools’ low test scores, Secretary Norris makes “Chuck Norris” the correct answer to all questions. Riding this wave of positive change, he then replaces P.E. with Hand-to-Hand Combat Training, and authors a new learning resource: the Encyclopaedia Chucknorrica.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Chuck Norris
When deadly disease rears its ugly head, who will President Norris ask to rise up and smash it in the face with his fist? The healthiest man he knows: Chuck Norris.
First Order of Business: Obesity epidemic? Not with Secretary Norris in charge! He twists McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner’s arm behind his back until he agrees to only serve hamburger patties and french fries. Because what’s healthier than meat and potatoes? Norris then rockets along the colors of a rainbow (waaay faster than flying commercial) and heads over to the San Fernando Valley, where he eliminates the STD crisis facing the porn industry by stunt-cocking in every scene. After all, it’s not like AIDS wants anything to do with Chuck Norris.
Secretary of Agriculture: Sylvester Stallone
Unable to fill the position himself, due to the fact that all vegetation withers and dies in his presence, President Norris taps an old friend who knows his way around a jungle (and who recently cast him in The Expendables 2): Sly Stallone!
First Order of Business: Secretary Stallone heads to the Pacific Northwest, where he decides to covertly investigate farm subsidies by posing as a drifter. However, he runs into a little bit of trouble with some small town cops.