Dating Survival Guide: The Car Lover

The car-loving guy makes up a huge portion of the heterosexual male population.  This particular breed finds cars as sexy as women, as proven by many a nakedish-blonde-draped-on-various-sports-cars calendar.  So it will only help your sex appeal with your fella if you get some car know-how.

Famous Car Makes and Countries of Origin

This is essential: just knowing the basics goes a long way.  Luxury vehicles are generally more appealing, so we’re keeping it classy:

Important Vocab

Horsepower:  Originally developed to describe a steam engine’s power in relation to what work a horse could do, HP is still used for engines today.  It’s important to contextualize the HP: the lighter the car, the faster it goes.  A midsized Mercedes sedan with 220 HP is okay, but a tiny Mini with 220 HP is BLAZING.  Similarly, a gigantor Ford Expedition requires 440 HP just to get out of the driveway, but a Corvette with 400 HP is cuhrayzay.

Cylinders:  Okay, just in case you’ve never seen an engine, cylinders are the long cup-like thingies with pistons inside that move up and down and make your car go forward.  Generally, the more cylinders you have, the faster your car is.

V8 Engine:  No, V8 is not referring to vegetable juice, it’s describing the number of cylinders in an engine and the shape in which they’re set.  Therefore, a V8 engine has four cylinders on one side and four on the other, and they form a V.  V6, same shape, only three on each side.  (Cars like the Camry or Accord have V6 engines.)

Crash Course:  Ze Germans
The only knob I care about polishing is my gear shift!(If you know only two kinds of cars, it oughta be these two Deutsche-heavy-hitters.)

Mercedes
These puppies come in three different classes: C class (entry level), E class (bit nicer), and the S class (S for the German “Sonderklasse”, aka in a class of its own.)  A fun, passive aggressive jab amongst catty businessmen might be the exec in the S class saying, “Nice C class, Larry.”

The C class and E class have 6 cylinders, while the S class has 8.  The S class is also a larger sedan, and therefore needs a more powerful engine to move the weight around.

You can also tell the size of the engine from the numbers that follow the letter of the class in a Mercedes.  For example, an E350 has a 3.5 liter engine, while the enormous S600 has a 6-liter engine (and a WHOPPING twelve cylinders—it’s a huge sedan.)

BMW
Similarly to Mercedes, the BMW has different makes with varying price points: 3 series (entry level), 5 series, 6 series and 7 series (a larger, four door sedan).

Each of these comes with an M version of it, which features performance engines, except for the 7.  These things are FOR REAL: the M5 has TEN cylinders.  So if you see an M on your dude’s car, he’s probably got him some serious speeding violations.

The engine size trick also works for BMWs: i.e. the 528 is a 5 series with a 2.8 liter engine.

Potential Minefields
Look at how red and shiny my dick– …er, car, is!
Don’t be classist.  Yes, German cars are bomb, but American engineering can keep up with the Joneses too.  For example, the fast BMW M5 compares very favorably performance-wise with the Cadillac CTSV, which costs a good forty grand less.  Make no assumptions.

Ferrari v. Bentley:  Not all four-wheel money pits are created equal.  Take two very expensive, very different cars: Ferrari versus Bentley.

Ferraris are based off of race cars, with the engine in the rear, to ensure 50/50 weight distribution for superior handling.  They reach speeds of 200 mph, are loud, uncomfortable, with annoying stick-shifting and generally only two seats.  It requires constant maintenance, and therefore wouldn’t be driven daily.

A Bentley is built for comfort, with a luxurious interior.  It’s also capable of going very fast, but is more of a laidback, drive-me-daily car.

So a Ferrari man would be into showy speed, and a Bentley man would be into subtle luxury.  And both would be totally loaded.

You’re now fully prepared for some automotive ardor.  Go to!

**Very special thanks to Aram Yeghiazarian, who, in addition to being an Ironman triathlete, holds a degree in Automotive Technology.