In a moment of pure stupidity and masochism, I boldly decided (and declared to everyone like an idiot) to go on a Juice Cleanse from Saturday through Monday. After extensive 10-minute research, I found one cleanse that relied on prune and unfiltered apple juice. I quickly decided this was the best (re: cheapest) cleanse out there and made plans with my roommate to buy the stuff the following morning and start our three-day long journey to health. All of this was decided at a Karaoke Bar/Bowling Alley at 1:00AM, much like the Geneva Convention.
The below is my account of the worst weekend of my life. Warning: do not try this at home unless you hate yourself.
Saturday, Day 1
Roommate bailed on the cleanse. I'm off to find the prune juice and apple juice that will compose my diet for the next three days. I'm excited!
This juice cost me $30 and I'm still going to have to buy food on Monday. My excitement is notably waning. Goddamn you, Whole Foods.
Downed my first GIANT glass of prune juice in a few massive gulps. I don't recommend this, or prune juice in general — that shit is super thick and smells like old people.
Starting to get pretty hungry now. When I embarked on this journey of self-flagellation, I didn't consider the regular vat of coffee I consume every morning. I'm going through some pretty intense caffeine withdrawal complete with the shakes and a massive headache. I'm ready to mainline espresso. Off to find a vein.
I took Excedrin instead. Needles freak me out.
Aren't cleanses supposed to make you feel fantastic and energetic and how I imagine Kelly Ripa awakes every day? It feels more like I'm bedridden with some 14th Century epidemic.
Sunday, Day 2
I woke up this morning actually feeling really awake and alert, and I think this self-inflicted torture is working! I got down my grandpa-odored prune juice with minor gagging and I'm ready to actually enjoy my Sunday.
I take it back, this is the worst. Kill me.
In my hunger, I seem to be stuck in a permanent state of Bitch. I can feel myself being rude and impatient with my roommates or whoever else dares enter my field of vision, but I can't stop. I want to stab them in the neck with a fork. To distract myself, I painted my nails, but the color was eerily reminiscent of the shade of prune juice and I got too nauseated to finish all ten fingers. Sorry, Right Hand. I always mess you up anyways.
Mean Girls just started on VH1. I'll be tolerable for the next 2.5 hours (though not during commercial breaks). Happy October 3rd!
Mean Girls is over. I'm sequestering myself to my room to ensure that I still have friends come Tuesday morning. It turns out that food is my mood stabilizer, and I've been off my meds for 48 hours. Watch it.
Monday, Day 3
One more day, one more day. I can do this.
Oh my God, they're having Champagne and cake at work today. I can't do this.
I softly cried as they sipped their champagne and ate their cake. I licked my tears in an attempt to taste something salty. Then, I took a walk around the block to remove myself from the situation like an addict who accidentally stumbled into a crack den (but the crack looked AMAZING).
I made it through work, but the hunger is getting ridiculous and marginally painful. It feels like Christmas Eve when I was a kid. I just want to go to sleep so I can wake up that much sooner, except instead of being cute and excited, I'm old and haggard and now totally transformed into a raging bitch. I keep daydreaming about what I'm going to eat when this is over and I think I've settled on some sort of pancake/bacon/pizza/hamburger combo. They probably sell something like that at McDonalds, right?
Upon reflection, this cleanse was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. I love eating, I love food, and I in no way feel like a healthier person. I'm sure that after three days of consuming about 500 daily calories, I've lost some weight, but those lbs are lookin to come back at me with a vengeance the moment I even look at a frozen pizza.
Important lessons learned from this experience: 1) I have more self-control than I ever thought I did. 2) My self-control comes at the price of my patience, humor, and all other mildly positive aspects of my personality. 3) Don't come near me if I haven't eaten unless you have food for me.
If you love Hungry Women, check out Kosha Patel's Guide to Being Gluten-Free!