Disclaimer: If at all possible, read these aloud, in the voice of Randy "Macho Man" Savage (may he rest in peace), and also, try to hear Metallica in the hardcore synapses of your brain. Plus, flames. Lots of flames.
FARMER CHEF You've heard of Top Chef and Iron Chef, but are they the most extreme a cooking competition can be? NAY! Try Farmer Chef! Here's how it works: 6 months before the competition, the chefs must PLANT all the ingredients they want to use, farm them, and harvest them in the days prior to the competition. Talk about FARM FRESH! And what if a swarm of locusts descends upon the farm? Or if a devious competitor lets loose a family of gophers, or even calls down a napalm strike?! Then you're SOL, Farmer Chefs -- you'll have to turn DIRT into a tasty delicacy on your plate, and fool the judges into thinking it's some exotic molecular gastronomy experiment. I'm sure Aarón Sanchez will immediately champion the "brave, new 'dirt' dish," while reminding us all of the proper pronunciation of tierra! BACHELOR PADLOCK
Getting a rose has never been so prickly! After producing only one successful marriage after 16 seasons, producers of The Bachelor/Bachelorette knew they had to do something extreme, because everyone knows reality television is the standard bearer for true love! You may think you've heard this concept before: Put a group of hot, sexy, well-oiled people in skimpy swimwear in one house and hope that they'll f**k! This takes it a step further. These bachelors and bachelorettes are locked in a mansion, and they're not coming out until they're married ... or f**king dead! And Chris Harrison, in his tireless quest to appear useful, is ordained as a minister online, and insists on officiating a wedding ceremony every single day, or DIE TRYING!!! Because what's more extreme than marriage? BEYOND BEYOND SCARED STRAIGHT
Let's skip all the talk and get straight to the salad tossing. 'Cuz there's nothing like some guy's vinaigrette in your face to teach you right from wrong! Only in the sweet, sweet cherry tomatoes of Inmate #1138 will the light of truth and justice shine forth, much like Superman's soulful blue eyes... Oh, Kal-El, in the immortal words of Brody from Mallrats, "if only our human fallopian tubes could handle your Kryptonian seed..." EXTREME MAKEOVER: ZOMBIE EDITION
Anyone can take a bit of make-up and a good haircut and turn an ugly human into a pretty decent-looking one. But to take a zombie, with its decomposing, flaky, dead skin and the reek of infectious putrefaction, and turn it into a beauty queen? Now that's a REAL reality show miracle! Join ABC as they jump on the bandwagon led by the pioneering FOX Network, who were the first to challenge the rampant anti-deadite racism in the U.S. by casting a multi-talented Living-Challenged singer in the last season of The X-Factor! TOP MODEL: CAGEMATCH
Stilettos are the new switchblade! Welcome to the TyraDome! You can guess what happens when you lock a bunch of models in a cage ... they don't eat anything, and whine about their haircuts. Pretty much the same as the regular show, except Tyra declares herself Cage Master and gets to dress in post-apocalyptic garb! Surprisingly, the concept for this show would not be the strangest thing Tyra has come up with. Two words: Pot Ledom.
HELL'S KITCHEN -- STARRING SATAN
O.J. Simpson. Casey Anthony. Robert Blake. Joran Van der Sloot. And the like. Though they may have (allegedly) gotten away with murder once, if they f**k up the risotto, they're going STRAIGHT. TO. HELL!!!
AMERICA'S GOT DEBT
America is known for two things: 1) credit card bills, and 2) few marketable skills. With trillions in outstanding debt, and millions of lackluster, untalented people, NBC would have a far easier time casting the nation's most successful debtors! America votes on who should win a huge pile of our rapidly depreciating "paper monies!" More cash = more debt = MORE RATINGS! Because if there's one thing America has a true talent for, it's carelessly spending money!
Erika is the President/Founder of Comediva.com. She loves comedy, the Internets, and working with badass women. She also enjoys cupcakes, mismatched socks, and has been known to put her employees into baby carriages. Plus, she has unicorn blood and her tears turn into jellybeans.
Luis Navarro is a token man slave and Director of Operations for Comediva. He is a proud Valley Boy ("Fer sure") and martial artist. He earned a Master's Degree in Counseling and is an ordained online minister! He also boasts an encyclopedic knowledge of the Star Wars Expanded Universe and post-1970s movie trivia. He is secure enough in his masculinity to admit a fondness for unicorns.