Believe it or not, the following foods are guaranteed to rev up your sex drive!
Slim Jims
Ever noticed how snapping into a Slim Jim makes you want to jump between the sheets? It’s because mechanically separated chicken is suspected by unlicensed sex therapists and ConAgra executives to be a potent enhancer of libido. The phallic nature of the meat snack doesn’t hurt either. Nor does the term “meat snack.”
Hot Pockets
Hot Pockets are so gooey, steamy, and inviting. A recent Hot Pocket-related sex scandal brought to light that “Natural Smoke Flavor” is the link between Hot Pockets and impromptu orgies. The smoky taste reminds individuals of fire while stimulating the ventral tegmental area of the brain. That combination is a perfect synaptic storm leading to pre-orgasmic physical conditions in one out of seven Hot Pocket snackers.
McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes
A seasonal delicacy, the Shamrock Shake contains green dye comprised of yellow 5 and blue 1. It’s common knowledge that “green” is synonymous with “horny,” so it’s no surprise that the McDonald’s Corporation is responsible for 5% of babies conceived during the month of March.
Cold Chick-fil-A Waffle Fries
The curious attribute of Chick-fil-A Waffle Fries is they only serve as an aphrodisiac after a period of refrigeration. It has been suggested by a lonely and hungry neurobiology Ph.D. student somewhere that the chemical compound of the “anti-foaming agent” in waffle fries, dimethylpolysiloxane, realigns itself in colder temperatures. So, if you have enough will power not to eat your entire carton of fries, stick ’em in the fridge and whip them out later for some pre-coital munchie fun.
Bagel Bites
Ever wondered why after eating pizza you feel greasy, yet after eating a box of bangle bites you feel randy? The key is the oleoresin of paprika, the taste of which can trigger increased dopamine production. In women, it often stimulates the Bartholin glands. In short, Bagel Bites are more effective than Astroglide.
Bonus: “Fire” Flavored Taco Bell Border Sauce
Ever noticed how after you scarf down a Gordita Supreme slathered in Fire Sauce, you think to yourself, “Yo quiero boinking.” That’s because the Yum! Brand’s subsidiary has been exploiting the aphrodisiac power of peppers for years. Yep, The Fourth Meal is actually sex and “Running for the Border” is, in truth, an exotico sexual position.
Disclaimer: These statements have not been reviewed by the United States Department of Agriculture, the Food and Drug Administration, or any board-certified medical professional.
