George R.R. Martin is the acclaimed fantasy author and creator of the uber-popular Song of Ice and Fire Series immortalized as Game of Thrones on HBO. He is also infamous for massacring his characters. Be it the seeming protagonist, the apparent heir apparent, or a lowly bar wench, their number can be up at any time, and usually in a very unpleasant way. But what if George R.R. were let loose on other TV shows? Given a brand-new slate of unlikely victims, who would he murder? And how?!
Warning: Thar be show spoilers ahead…
George R.R. shows up late to the party here, because they’re all just about dead. One change Georgie would’ve made, of course, is to take a more in-depth look at Jesse Pinkman’s time as a slave to Neo-Nazi Uncle Jack Bolton (or whatever his last name was), and his bastard nephew Todd. After being renamed “Tweak,” and having his little pinkman hacked off, Jesse never would’ve recovered from that final episode, freedom or no freedom.
The Walking Dead
In a world where the dead already far outnumber the living, and the “White Walkers” of Georgia stalk our intrepid survivors, Mr. Martin would take extra special pleasure in offing the last dregs of the human race. Ignoring sensible advice from just about every other character, noble dimwit Rick Grimes follows his heart, and ends up publicly executed in front of his kids and friends. Daryl Dixon shakes his head at his buddy’s piss-poor strategy of being straight-forward and honorable, and goes off to serve Michonne in her quest to become the wrathful Khaleesi of the Dothraki Sea, aka Vegas.
The Big Bang Theory
It’s the wedding of the century! Dr. Sheldon Cooper finally ties the knot with Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler AND agrees to honeymoon coitus! Unfortunately, dastardly comic book store owner Stuart had ulterior motives when he offered to host the nuptials at his store, and he gleefully throws open the doors to reveal Sheldon’s nemesis, Wil Wheaton! Wesley Crusher saunters in to the strains of the TNG theme, with hordes of angry and star-struck Trekkies at his command! No one survives the Red-Shirt Wedding!
The politics, backstabbing, and squabbling judges reach a fever pitch, as the battle for the Iron Microphone leaves a trail of hoarse, half-decent singers in its wake! The true power behind-the-scenes, mastermind Carson Daly, uses the social media powers of The Spider (Christina Milian) to pit Adam, Blake, Christina, and CeeLo against each other, in a sing-off to the death! Has-beens and never-were singers fall like flies, as Adam manipulates the big galoot Blake Shelton to do his bidding, CeeLo plots from the shadows, and Christina never hesitates to cut a bitch! But beware! From beyond the sea, the She-Wolf, Shakira, and the dancing assassin, Usher, wait to swoop in, dump wildfire on whoever’s left, and take the spoils!