The writing life isn’t a walk in the park, it’s more of a sprint down a dark alley filled with raptors and pterodactyls. Many legendary writers braved that alley while toting some massive baggage like alcoholism, depression and other illnesses, but what would their work have been like if they went to those AA meetings, took modern meds and got the help they needed? We could have had shelves packed with happy, shiny classics like these:
The Heart Tells No Tales and Other Poems of Love
by Edgar Allan Poe
“It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; maybe it was her flirty Tweets about Twilight. Object there was none. Passion? Oh yeah, baby. I think it was her eyes! She had the eyes of Matthew McConaughey –pale blue eyes, with a film over them.”
The Bell Jar: Home Canning and Cooking Without An Oven
by Sylvia Plath
“From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future winks for the prepared cook. Figs are very healthy, so preserve them before they wrinkle, and you’ll have plenty of figs for entertaining poets, professors, Olympic lady crew champions, whoever happens to stop by.”
At the Mountains for a Lovely, Well-Deserved Holiday
by H.P. Lovecraft
“Great barren peaks of mystery loomed against the west, yet the softly glowing light of a Starbucks set the Miskatonic University Expedition right at ease. After a few too many pumpkin spice lattes, some of my colleagues believed that the waitresses dripped with evil, but it turned out to be sprinkles.”
Cat on a Warm Fuzzy Blankie With a Cheeseburger
by Tennessee Williams
“What is the victory of a cat on a warm fuzzy blankie? I wish I was cuddled up with her. We would eat our cheeseburgers and watch Legally Blonde for the 10th time this week.”
The Old Man and the $12.99 Seafood Buffet
by Ernest Hemingway
“But a man is not made for crab legs without melted butter. A man can be deprived of cheese biscuits, but not butter.”
I Could Not Stop For a Sale at Payless
by Emily Dickinson
“Because I could not stop for a sale at Payless, they kindly emailed me.
The inbox held just a promise of Buy One, Get One Free.”
Conan the Accountant
by Robert E. Howard
“I have known many gods. But by Crom, they better have receipts to back up those expense reports. Even if life is an illusion, there’s still paperwork to be done.”
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