High School Movies You’ll Never See

With the recent success of former 30 Rock writer Kay Cannon’s Pitch Perfect, it’s hard to ignore the trend in teen classics: cool clubs that bring out the meanies in all involved.

Bring it on.

Oh.

It’s been brought.

But there’s no denying how selective Hollywood can be in picking which clubs to feature and/or exploit.

Here are just a few real-life school clubs that will probably never get a movie:

Photography Club

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General society doesn’t approve of emo kids in real life, so why would they pay $15 to watch them wallow on a big screen? The main conflict would probably centre around “Black & White makes everything beautiful and poignant.” “No it doesn’t.” “Stop suffocating my soul.” “Stop sighing in my face.”

Key Club

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There’s something about a group of kids whose primary focus is providing community service that doesn’t really scream intra-club drama. What would they compete about? Who makes the best soup? Though, a possible Key Club romance might work. Assuming it’s something like a fan-fic of teenage Brangelina.

Chess Club

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The only way this would work would be if it were a silent movie. Unless it’s like Wizard Chess. And there’s an epic showdown when one rook rams and tips the legendary club president, King Oswald, turning the whole inter-high school chess universe on its head. Or it could be a high school, real life Game of Thrones. But with a different kind of nudity. The embarrassing kind.

Orchestra

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Drumline did wonders for marching band geeks, but, as an orch-dork, I have to say, a bunch of nerds whose only dirty joke is the g-string pun probably wouldn’t be much to watch for ninety minutes. [Hehehehehehe g-string.] And they don’t even march.

National Honor Society

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A good movie or TV show works because of the diversity of the characters. Foils and nemeses and such. So a room full of a bunch of likeminded Hermiones probably wouldn’t make for much of a story, though it would be pretty epic to see some kind of meta, alternate reality throwdown between Hermione and Time-Turner Hermione. …It’d also be kind of hawt.

Home Ec.

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Unless it’s a very interesting, youthful twist on the haps of Wisteria Lane, somehow the daily ritual of baking cookies and folding napkins [and forcing the most tomboyish of the bunch to get her hands dirty. BITCHES.] isn’t all that drama-worthy. Unless one of the kids is “accidentally” poisoned and dies from a questionable batch of mini muffins.

Model United Nations

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The premise for this one might be a wee bit too cerebral for the Internet Generation. “Libya?” some head-scratching, pubescent angst-bucket would ask, “I think I heard about that in sex ed.” [Which, alright, actually sounds pretty fun.]

Office Aide Club

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Those kids looking for extra credits and an impressive resume? The only way this would work would be if Teacher/Student romancing were on the table, and something tells me OneMillionMoms.org would nip that debauchery in the bud right from the off.


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About the author

Vickie Toro

Hi, friend! I'm Vickie Toro, and I'm Comediva's Social Media Manager, connecting your comedy-loving hearts with ours through all of your favorite social media addictions. I'm the lesbian in Lesbros, the creator and one of the writers of BAMF Girls Club, and the Frumpy Girl who commiserates with your Style Ineptness. I'm a Potterhead, water-dancer, and overall TV junky. Also sports movies make me cry.

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