I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie

So you’ve been jamming out to Sir Mix-A-Lot all spring doing lunges, squats, and sun salutations. Well, the time has finally come when you can pat yourself on the back because you have a nice round butt! Congratulations! That’s a huge accomplishment; you’ve singlehandedly proven that you don’t have to be Beyonce to be bootylicious.

bigbutts_053112What you probably didn’t know is that round butts are not just for looking hot in a skanky bikini. (And YES, I know they are also great for flaunting in your ex’s face and getting him to admit that he was wrong about you, and that your new perfectly shaped toosh totally makes up for the fact that you were an over-crazed jealous hack who was unable to control her emotions especially right before dinner.) A nice round butt can be used in many useful ways that you’ve probably never even thought about. Here are a few examples:

Use your butt the next time you see someone in public who you’re desperately trying to avoid.

Remember the time you ran into Susan Greystein at that cash-only coffee shop run by college hipsters who are half your age – you remember Susan, that obnoxious girl from your fake book club who’s always rambling on and on about the latest self-help books and how they can help improve your life and make you a better person even though you’re not really unhappy about your life in the first place? Well the next time you see her coming simply turn around and bend over. She’ll never recognize you when your butt is blocking her view. Besides, your butt will look so intimidating in your new skinny jeans that she’ll probably turn right back around and go to the gym.

Use your butt to slam the door on the next kid who tries to steal your place in line at Baskin Robbins.

Baskin Robbins is a popular joint with the kids these days, making it an inconvenient destination for any overworked, ladder-climbing, corporate honcho whose only weakness is emotional eating. Have no fear; you have a deadly weapon that will get rid of any Taylor Swift-loving 6-year-old — your rock-hard butt! The next time one of those little sh*ts gets in between you and that cup of mint-chocolate chip, wind up your tight ass and release. The whiplash alone will be distracting enough for you to get your fix and head back to that job you hate right before the 4 o’clock think tank meeting.

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Act like a crazy person and talk from your butt in order to ward off unwelcome criminals.

The next time that creepy guy tries to mess with you on your late night walk, just bend over and start talking from your butt. He’ll assume you are a crazy person and will be just as afraid of you as you are of him. If the person looks really dangerous, try using a Voldemort-esque voice. The only way to take on a crazy person is to top his/her level of crazy (I learned that from watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race — Season 3).

Flaunt your newly firm butt at The Grove and pick up D-List celebrities.

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Los Angeles is full of wannabes, hasbeens, and whoawherethehelldidYOUcomefroms, and although the average American will usually avoid someone who falls into any of the former categories, you live in Los Angeles and will probably use those people to make you feel better about your own life. The next time you see that guy from Season 2 of Dancing with the Stars, don’t be so shy about picking that wedgie! You could use the self-esteem boost and D-listers love to get ass — it’s a win win!

**If this option feels unnatural or counter-intuitive to your personality type, use your firm butt to simply become a D-List celebrity yourself.

(I’d like to dedicate this article to my butt because I don’t think I’ll ever get another opportunity to publicly thank it without shaming my parents.)


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Kosha Patel

I have no regrets...except for that time I got a bowl cut. See more Kosha at http://youtube.com/koshadelhi

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