How are we going to defeat the post-cupid blues, you ask? Thankfully, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has a prescription for dealing with traumatic moments in life. The Five Stages of Grief. Yup. That's right. They work for processing the death of your favorite poodle, living with that awful pixie cut (it'll grow out, we promise) AND for surviving Valentine's Day. And, cuz we're comedivas, we've got a party for every single one of them.
The Five Stages of the Post-Valentine's Day Blues
Stage One: Denial - Here in denial, we like to pretend Valentine's Day never happened, in fact. Here in denial, it doesn't even exist. To do that, you'll need your best buddies, the entire "Die Hard" collection and about twice as much beer and pizza as girls your size should be able to consume.
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Stage Two: Anger - Those in the anger phase need a good way to vent their rage after being surrounded by candy hearts, flowers and simpering lovers. If you're in this stage, revel in it. Gather together your single girlfriends, neighbors, co-workers and even that frienemy that really deserves a second chance and invite them over for a chicken and waffles dinner. It doesn't matter if you're cooking from scratch or going the KFC and Eggos route, the whole idea here is to find the most defiantly fattening meal you can get, and nothing says "not watching my figure" like fried chicken and waffles. Throw "Thelma and Louise" on the DVD player and have a blast getting that candy-heart-induced rage out of your system.
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Stage Three: Bargaining - "If I really put my mind to it, by next year I'll be in love. I'll work out. I'll eat right. I'll start matching my socks. That way, once I'm ready, I'm sure to stumble on Mr. or Ms. Right. Right?" We've all been here. Making deals with ourselves in our desperate attempts to control the chaotic beast that is love. Might as well enjoy yourself while you're at it. Invite the girls over for a little Dance Dance Revolution on the Wii before settling down to watch "My Fair Lady" and chow down on some yummy, and low fat, salads. Try whisking vinegar, olive oil, honey and Dijon mustard together to make your own dressing!
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Stage Four: Depression - Love life making you feel like diving off the nearest bridge? Welcome to the depression phase. But take heart, when treated with the appropriate amount of vodka and weepy movies, depression can be a blast. When you need a good weep, you can't go wrong with "Love Story." Pair it with vodka on the rocks and a good friend's shoulder to cry on. Just make sure you've also got your favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's and "Clueless" on hand to pick up those spirits after you've wept it all out.
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Stage Five: Acceptance - Congratulations! First, you accepted the fact that you're not that girl in the commercial who got a cheesy diamond heart pendant for Valentine's Day. Then, you realized you never wanted to be her in the first place because you're fabulous and she hasn't changed her haircut since 1984. Your life might be complicated, but you'll get where you're going in the end because you're a comediva, which means laughing through the pain is easy. In the meantime, you're going to enjoy your friends and your own success. To do this, Comediva suggests the following: Invite your gang over, mix up some Manhattans and throw "When Harry Met Sally" on the DVD player. There's nothing like a strong, pink drink and a lot of hilarity and a happy ending to make you remember that you do, in fact, love being a girl.
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