It’s Brett Ratner’s Fault!
Welcome to Doctor Yosedit’s Universal Translation Machine! This ingenious device was developed by the good doctor in 1992 to provide the true meanings of “fair,” “balanced” and “neutral” news stories. An intrepid Comediva discovered this gem while on a mission into a secret government facility (don’t ask, if we told you, we’d have to kill you). Thankfully, the Universal Translation Machine can now be put to work for the hillarification of people everywhere!
| News says… | Translation Machine says… | |
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People.com says… “Eddie Murphy Out as Next Year’s Oscar Host” | “Eddie Murphy Fired. It’s Brett Ratner’s Fault” |
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Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences President Tom Sherak says… “I appreciate how Eddie feels about losing his creative partner, Brett Ratner, and we all wish him well.” | “Sorry Eddie, it’s not you, it’s us. Really. With our horrible ratings, we really need to find someone more relevant to the younger audience we’re trying to attract to the broadcast … wait…” |
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Eddie Murphy says… “First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.” | “Disturbin’ the peace?! I just lost the classiest job I’ve been offered in years because Brett Ratner can’t keep his mother-f’in mouth shut! Then what do you call being hit by a car, jay-walking?! You have fun with your old white guy … this show is going to suck my *%&#)@!” |
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The Hollywood Reporter Says… “Ashton Kutcher Relinquishes Control of Personal Twitter Account” | “Ashton Kutcher Realizes Twitter = Career Suicide 140 Characters Too Late.” |
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Ashton Kutcher says… “While I feel that running this feed myself gives me a closer relationship to my friends and fans I’ve come to realize that it has grown into more than a fun tool to communicate with people. While I will continue to express myself through @AplusK I’m going to turn the management of the feed over to my team at Katalyst Media to ensure the quality of its content.” | “Woah. Seriously? 8 million people ACTUALLY READ THIS THING? No way! But this whole taking personal responsibility for what I blurt out to the internet on a whim thing blows. How can I … I know! I’ll just hire an intern to follow me around and type in my tweets. That way I can just fire the kid if I, I mean they, say something stupid. Genius!” |
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The New York Times says… “Perry Tries to Recover From his ‘Oops’ Moment” | “Oops. Perry Bites the Big One, Won’t Admit it.” |
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Rick Perry’s Post Debate Fundraising Email says… “Tonight Rick Perry forgot the third agency he wants to eliminate. Just goes to show there are too many damn federal agencies.” | “You don’t need to see proof that Rick Perry has any knowledge of how the American Government works. This is not the political gaffe you’re looking for. Rick Perry can go about his business … Damn it. Why are you still watching that YouTube clip? What do you mean Jedi mind tricks don’t work in the real world?” |
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