It’s Time for a Lesbian Kiss

And that (the confusion, I mean) got me thinking about, of course, Brittana. Why, Ryan Murphy, did you spend three seasons teasing and tormenting the lesbian cult following of your show? Why oh why did you pull a Willow-Tara and leave lady lovin’ to your audience’s imagination for far too long? All that double-talk, hand-holding, significant glancing… It’s all too much!

So, for future reference, Mr. Murphy, and any other show-creator looking to include that ever-so important Lesbian Kiss Episode [which, by the way, Wikipedia tells me is an actual “sub-genre of the media portrayal of lesbianism”], here are a few things I’ve learned about finding the Perfect Timing for a Lesbian Kiss:

1. The OC

When your ratings are in the pits. Also, Olivia Wilde’s on set.

2. Girls

After a bad break-up, when you need to learn the ever-important lesson of “loving and owning your womanhood by appreciating the woman-form”/When you and your friend are trying to avoid the creepy advances from some dude you met at a bar.

3. Pretty Little Liars

When you’re being haunted by your dead best friend via text messaging and you need some comfort from the new girl down the street.

4. Katy Perry

When you don’t even know her name, but it doesn’t matter; she’s your experimental game. Just human nature. And your head’s so confused/When she’s wearing cherry chapstick.

5. Friends

When another chick makes a big deal out of kissing one of your best friends and you want to see what all the fuss is about.

6. Vickie

When you go to a strip club for the first time in your life and you have one too many beers and it’s been awhile since you’ve had a lady kiss.

7. Skins

When you’re high off MDMA at a sleepover and you and your middle school lady crush find yourselves alone.

8. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

After several seasons of robust hints and double entendre, and you’re about to go off to your best friend’s mom’s funeral.

9. The L Word

Whenever you feel like it.

10. Glee

When thousands of your fans send nasty Tweets/emails/letters about how you and your girlfriend have gone 3 years without kissing.