And if Jon Stewart became president, he’d have the best f@$#ing presidential cabinet ever.
Here’s what that cabinet would probably look like:
Vice President: Stephen Colbert
Colbert would be the most powerful VP since Dick Cheney — but only in a satirical sense. For instance: in order to make sure corporations were not treated like people, he’d urge Congress to worship corporations like demigods; in order to end torture, he’d urge the Pentagon to torture anyone who confessed to not having an elicit love affair with their handgun; finally, to help promote gay rights, he’d recommend that any man experiencing homoerotic desires should secure a bear trap over their genitals.
First order of business: Go on CNN and declare war on Mars — a planet he says harbors gay Muslim terrorists who love Glee.
Secretary of Defense: Lewis Black
When the U.S. is attacked, Secretary Black would meet up with the opposing force. Then, he would complain to the enemy about the little things that annoyed him, like how Kim Kardashian and Snooki are celebrities and yet have no talent, and how this all represents the death knell of modern society. Black’s pure, unadulterated rage would cause the enemy to quickly surrender because they would worry Black might have a heart attack if they didn’t.
First order of business: Go rent a movie from a Redbox, get pissed off at the DVD selection, and then complain about how the only movies Hollywood makes these days are sequels. Finally: grind his teeth until his jaw literally falls off.
Secretary of State: Ed Helms
Every time Secretary of State Helms would travel to another country, he’d wake up the next morning with a mean headache, bloodshot eyes, and no memory of what happened the night before.
First order of business: Find out how he got a nose ring that he doesn’t remember getting; lead a wild giraffe (that he found in the back of his truck) back to the zoo; and, finally, say something like: “I can’t believe this is happening again.”
Secretary of Homeland Security: Jason Jones
Jones would replace TSA pat-downs with the following lightning-quick question:
Anyone who responded “What?” to that question would be sent to Guantanamo Bay, immediately.
First Order of Business: Gather all the large shampoo bottles collected at airport security checkpoints, and then host one giant “suds party” at The White House.
Secretary of Labor: Samantha Bee
Secretary Bee would launch an initiative to ensure that the majority of people in high-level management jobs and government positions are held by women instead of men.
A day after this initiative succeeded, hunger and poverty would evaporate, abuse and rape would go down dramatically, unemployment would fall to all-time lows, global warming would reverse its course, and war would be outlawed.
The only downside: Viagra would become illegal and men would be required to get a “trans-penis ultrasound” if they want to buy condoms.