LiLo LiLoses 10K!

Welcome to Doctor Yosedit’s Universal Translation Machine!  We are proud to give you access to this top secret government machine, and all of its bull$h*t translating powers, without necessitating any of us rappelling down the side of the world’s tallest building in order to learn its secrets (oh, come on, Tom Cruise, now you’re just showing off).  So what does the news REALLY have to say this week?

News says… Translation Machine says…
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The Associated Press 
says… 
“Obama: Core philosophy of GOP candidates identical”
“GOP Only Has One Candidate With Many Poorly Made Wigs”
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President Obama says…
“I’m being judged against the ideal.  Joe Biden has a good expression.  He says, ‘Don’t judge me against the Almighty, judge me against the alternative.'”
“Seriously?  You think one of the bozos in that wretched hive of scum and villainy that they call the GOP nomination ticket is gonna do better than the mediocre job I’ve been managing, be my guest.  At least I’m pretending I want you to have a job and a doctor and house that’s not a van down by the river.  Top that, GOP.  Top.  That.”
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Yahoo News’ The Lookout says…
“Gingrich would end Fed’s emphasis on jobs, focus only on inflation”
“Nope.  GOP can’t top that.”
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People.com
says…
“Lindsay Lohan Recovers Stolen Purse, Minus $10,000″
“Ain’t Karma a bitch?”
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People.com
says…
“Her passport and important probation documents were still inside the purse, leaving Lohan so relieved that she reportedly didn’t ask questions of the person who returned it.”
“Lohan didn’t ask any questions of the person who returned it because she doesn’t want to ANSWER any questions about what she was planning to do with $10,000 dollars in cash.  Bribe someone to scrub those morgue bathrooms for her, perhaps?  No, we know, Lindsay, you were planning to give it to the Salvation Army Santa, right?  What a shame.”
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The Wrap
says…
“‘New Year’s Eve’ Leads Worst Box Office Weekend Since 2008″
“The age old question of whether New Year’s or Valentine’s makes girls feel more insecure and desperate is finally answered!  It’s Valentine’s Day!  New Year’s doesn’t make the ladies feel nearly bad enough about themselves to force them to sit through over-celeb-saturated dribble just to scrape out a little hope that they’ll get laid by a guy with abs like Ashton Kutcher someday.”
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The Wrap
says…
“The bright spot [of the weekend] was among specialty releases.  Focus Features’ ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’ grossed $300,737 at four locations, for an impressive per-location average of around $75,000.”
“Turns out, movie goers DO have brains in their heads, and they like to use them.  Who knew?”

 


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