Periods Are Worse Than Voldemort

The 2011-2012 television season ushered two major characters into the wonderful world of grown-up uteri: Game of Thrones‘ Sansa Stark and Mad Men‘s Sally Draper each experienced her very first Shark Week with the whole world watching.

For those of us who are already suitable bait for lesbian vampires once a month or so, it’s hard to imagine how we’d survive without such crutches as Midol, tampons, pads, menstrual cups, and the like, as Sally and medieval-esque Westeros inhabitants must have done.

However, it also begs the question of how our favorite fantasy/sci-fi heroines fare whenever Mother Nature decides to cramp their styles, what with magic and/or advanced technology at their disposals [assuming, of course, each has a uterus].

Here are some theories:

Hermione Granger

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The First Time: As with all things, Hermione was slightly ahead of the curve, feeling the sharp pangs of adolescence during just her first year at Hogwarts. …Was she REALLY just avoiding Ron and Harry when she met Quirrell’s troll in the girls’ lavatory?
Guide: Madam Pomfrey.
Cravings: Chocolate frogs.
Reaction to Hormonal Change: Sicking birds on Ron.

PMS-Soothing Entertainment: Wuthering Heights, SPEW.

Katniss Everdeen

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The First Time: While tracking a wild deer, there was a moment’s panic when Katniss cramped, saw red, and was convinced she’d been zeroed in on by a Peacekeeper.
Guide: Greasy Sae
Cravings: Greasy Sae’s signature squirrel mush thing, guaranteed to assuage cramps.
Reaction to Hormonal Change: Taking it all out on those squirrels. [One week out of every month, the Everdeens enjoy the most game they've ever seen.]

PMS-Soothing Entertainment: Mockingjays fall silent for at least a week, while Katniss belts out her feelings.

Arwen

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The First Time: Being that she’s at least 2700 years old by the time she meets Aragorn, and being that she won’t hit menopause til she hops aboard that ship to that mysterious island, it’s hard to recall. However, that special gem around her neck helps ease the cramps.
Guide: Grandma Galadriel.
Cravings: Chocolate-Covered Lembas Bread.
Reaction to Hormonal Change: Dropping tear-strewn books in slow motion.

PMS-Soothing Entertainment: That one song by Annie Lennox. On repeat.

The White Witch

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The First Time: When she was just a wee witch, she wasn’t all that bad. But as she spends most of her days under harsh, wintry conditions, with no heating pad, it’s no wonder she’s so evil: there’s no relief. Unless, of course, she downs the blood of an innocent to complete her magical Midol potion and spell combo.
Guide: N/A. Sister-friend has severe relationship issues.
Cravings: The blood of an innocent.
Reaction to Hormonal Change: EVERYBODY RUN AND HIDE.

PMS-Soothing Entertainment: Luring children under her spell under false pretenses.

Sookie Stackhouse

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The First Time: This lucky little fairy didn’t actually know she’d gotten her period ’til after she got home and used the little girl’s room. “Oh, this isn’t disgusting,” she thought, “My grandma told me all about this. And, actually… I think there’s something really special and lovely about my blood. Does everyone’s blood glow and sparkle?”
Guide: Grandma Adele.
Cravings: Nothing too special, as she isn’t quite as affected by her monthly visitor; but she wouldn’t say no to some of Grandma’s fine homecooking!
Reaction to Hormonal Change: Jauntily skipping through the woods.

PMS-Soothing Entertainment: Teasing Sam with her lady charms.

Ursula

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The First Time: Actually, this witch has octopus parts, meaning she probably doesn’t reproduce like we full-on mammals. Lucky bitch. 


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Vickie Toro

Hi, friend! I'm Vickie Toro, and I'm Comediva's Social Media Manager, connecting your comedy-loving hearts with ours through all of your favorite social media addictions. I'm the lesbian in Lesbros, the creator and one of the writers of BAMF Girls Club, and the Frumpy Girl who commiserates with your Style Ineptness. I'm a Potterhead, water-dancer, and overall TV junky. Also sports movies make me cry.

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