That’s because your beloved critters have got their primping routines on lock down. Yes, animals are hyper efficient at putting on their best faces in the quickest amount of time. In fact, they think you could learn a thing or two from them.
Here are your pets’ thoughts on your beautification routines!
Your Exercise-Obsessed Hippie Hamster
A high alfalfa, high sodium vegan diet combined with hours of frenzied running is the best way to stay sexy. Also, my hamster ball gets way better gas mileage than your car. So, suck it, gigantic Earth-polluter. Now, feed me all of your sunflower seeds; I need to carbo-load before my epic three-hour-long sprint on my energy efficient hamster wheel.
Your Fad-Diet Obsessed Fish
You’re not getting enough liquids; that’s your problem! Also, how much algae are you eating? The best new diet and exercise craze is called the Catfish Plan, which involves swimming laps, drinking your bodyweight in H2O, and sucking as much algae down as you can. I can fully attest that it’s been working for me; I think the hot plastic scuba diver in my bowl is this close to asking me out.
Your Narcissistic Bird
Maybe you should get feather extensions. Then you’ll look more like me. I’m sexy and I know it. Also, you could take a few tips from that gorgeous bird who keeps popping up on the mirror inside my cage. She’s fiiiiine.
Your Zen Cat
I espouse a holistic approach to self-cleansing, meow. I find my “center” as I practice advanced yoga while I wash butt with my tongue, meow. Also, there’s nothing more cathartic than hacking up a hairball, meow. It’s like all the toxins disappear out of your system as you engage in a core-strengthening bout of reverse peristalsis, meow. Also, why do you waste all that time and money on manicures, meow? I’ll gladly lend you my soothing scratching post, meow. Now go away, meow. I need to meditate over there in that patch of sunlight, meow.
Your Sultry Snake
Sssssiiillly humannnn. You need more live micccee in your diet if you want to look this ssssssexxxxxxy. Live miccccceee are rich in Vitamin Cccccc, which is good for your skkkkiiinnnnn. Also, did you ever conssssider using me as an acccccessssory? Try me out at Sssstarbuckssss nexxxxt time you go. I look great as a sssssscarrff and I love a ssssssoy latte. Good for washing down the live miccccce.
Your High Maintenance Dog
My groomer takes care of all my spa needs. You should get a groomer, too. I wonder which doggie groomer does Zooey Deschanel? Come to think of it, do you think I could pull off Zooey’s bangs? Maybe I will get my fur done like hers after my groomer expresses my anal glands next time.
Your Low Maintenance Dog
Your lipstick tastes good. Also, your lipstick makes my poop look prettier. Maybe you should try eating your lipstick, too, if you want your poop to be as pretty as my pretty, pretty poop.
