Pop Culture Crazies as Super Villains

Crazy celebrities have become a fixture in pop culture.  We’ve uncovered intel that their shenanigans, charades, and other assorted asshattery is actually more nefarious.  These aren’t just zany, drugged up celebrities!  They’re super villains in disguise!  What’s worse, they’re in league together to destroy civilization as we know it.

Here are their plans most foul!

Doug Hutchison

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Doug Hutchison, husband to child-bride Courtney Stodden, has plans to convert America’s female youth into sex robots.  His wife was the first of his despicable experiments, a terrifying example of his capabilities as a robo-sex-slave inventor.  Doug Hutchison’s hope is to bring the world to its knees in a trashy blonde sex robot apocalypse.

Nickelback

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Nickelback are actually Canadian super villains hell bent on subjugating the American populous.  Their music is imbued with subliminal messages, urging the US to go to war with Canada.  But Canada is not a nuclear-weapon state so we’d totally win, right?  Nope.  We could have a shiny new fifty-first state?  Nope. The music and lyrics of Nickelback’s “How You Remind Me” contain the right pattern and tempo to diffuse the detonator on our nuclear warheads.

Kim Kardashian

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While flawed in many ways, the institution of marriage is part of the glue that holds society together, socially and financially.  Ms. Kardashian is the leader of a plot to “cancel marriage” and render the modern world befuddled and lonely.  Her seventy-two day marriage was step one in her villainous plan.  Her sabotage of Russell Brand and Katy Perry’s marriage was step two.  Step three?  She’s set her sights on destroying Elton John and David Furnish’s romance.  Once everyone is partner-less and confused, the world will be hers for the taking!

The Cast of Jersey Shore

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The cast of Jersey Shore are actually English spies in the employ of BAE Systems, one of the world’s largest military suppliers. Snooki et al are the pawns in a dangerous game of international chess. First, BAE plans to corrupt the youth of America by convincing the hapless lads and lasses that blatant substance abuse and general ridiculousness is socially acceptable, thereby rendering the US future leaderless. Their second devious scheme involves polarizing the rest of the world against America, which will spark World War III. Terror will run rampant and the executives of BAE and their Jersey Shore minions will celebrate with Ron Ron Juice and pickles.

Charlie Sheen

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Charlie Sheen is the head villain in this league of psycho celebs, which he dubbed the “Vatican Assassins.”  He distracted America with his “tiger blood” antics while setting up Hutchison with Stodden, introducing Kris Humphries to Kim Kardashian, pouring drinks for The Situation, all while listening to Nickelback. Yep, when these villains tear the world apart, Sheen will be sitting back with his feet up, eager to reap the spoils of a new world in need of a “rock star from Mars.”  Winning.


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Kristen Bobst

Kristen Bobst is a grade-A comedy writer, an unstoppable sock puppeteer, and the world's foremost whimsy aficionado. She certainly believes the meaning of life really is 42; and right now Kristen is really into The Carrie Diaries. Comediva. Where the funny girls are.

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