Well, the cat is finally out of the bag! Now that the whole world knows Abraham Lincoln was an axe-wielding, bad-ass vampire slayer, we can come clean about the secret histories of some of his fellow presidents.
Grover Cleveland, Zombie Killer
History may not remember Grover Cleveland all too well, but he was so cool, he's still on Sesame Street! And killing zombies was the one job that his weight didn't get in the way of! Zombies back then were waaaay slower. As a child, neighbors commented that young Grover was "full of fun and inclined to play pranks." In actuality, he was slaughtering the undead that infested Fayetteville, New York, and dreaming of one day having a sweet mustache to call his own.
John Quincy Adams, Ghost Whisperer
With a middle name like Quincy, what ghost WOULDN'T want to be whispered to by old Johnny Q? Quincy. Just rolls off the tongue. Little known fact: Jennifer Love Hewitt was inspired by the triple-named prez to adopt her own iconic middle moniker and go by Love. Both whispered to ghosts. Both had huge boobs. OK, only one of them did.
Gerald Ford, Bigfoot Chaser
After Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace, the stewardship of the U.S. fell into the hands of renowned Sasquatchologist Gerald Ford. Refusing to actually hunt down the mysterious Bigfoot using the vast resources now at his disposal, Mr. Ford instead chose to set up scores of grainy, black-and-white cameras to capture fleeting glimpses of the beast. Because, hey, why bother tracking down the monster in the woods when you can just take a few snapshots instead?
Jimmy Carter, Alien Abductee
In over 230 years, only one U.S. President has "officially" had contact with extraterrestrial life. After a life-altering sighting of a UFO, then-Governor and former peanut farmer, Jimmy Carter devoted his life to preparing the world for contact with aliens. Shortly before his surprising victory in the 1976 Presidential Race, Jimmy's investigations led him to obsessively play an arcade game called "Starfighter." After he beat the high score, an alien representative of the Star League came to recruit Jimmy to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada! After basic training, Jimmy returned to Earth to serve out his term as President before heading back out to battle alien bad guys across the cosmos!
Ulysses S. Grant, Kraken Crusher
Before he was prez, Ulysses was so inspired by his namesake (Ulysses is Latin for Odysseus) that he decided to take to the sea, where he became a renowned kraken killer. This was before all the sustainable fishing laws protected kraken rights. Now, due to the dwindling kraken population, a guy like Ulysses S. would have little to no game with the hot mermaids.
Woodrow Wilson, Werewolf Worshipper
The 1913 election of noted segregationist, moon-lover, and lycanophile Woodrow Wilson to the Presidency of the United States was a victory for werewolves the world over. For years, Wilson had pushed the werewolf agenda, and during his two terms, more of the hairy folk saw prosperity than ever before! Many whispered that U.S. entry into WWI was more than a little influenced by Lycan interests. After Wilson was incapacitated by a silver bullet stroke, his long-time foe, and celebrated supernatural taxidermist, Henry Cabot Lodge, led the charge to dismantle the werewolf infrastructure which had consumed the capital. He also made a mint in the fur coat market.
Teddy Roosevelt, Banshee Assassin
This is obviously no surprise to anyone, since Teddy Roosevelt is widely accepted as history's most badass president. During his time as a Rough Rider, Teddy would take a banshee, which is already dead, and kill it again, so it'd be deader. He would then laugh and twirl his awesome mustachios while wrestling bears and juggling horse-drawn carriages!
Grover Cleveland, Zombie Killer
History may not remember Grover Cleveland all too well, but he was so cool, he's still on Sesame Street! And killing zombies was the one job that his weight didn't get in the way of! Zombies back then were waaaay slower. As a child, neighbors commented that young Grover was "full of fun and inclined to play pranks." In actuality, he was slaughtering the undead that infested Fayetteville, New York, and dreaming of one day having a sweet mustache to call his own.
John Quincy Adams, Ghost Whisperer
With a middle name like Quincy, what ghost WOULDN'T want to be whispered to by old Johnny Q? Quincy. Just rolls off the tongue. Little known fact: Jennifer Love Hewitt was inspired by the triple-named prez to adopt her own iconic middle moniker and go by Love. Both whispered to ghosts. Both had huge boobs. OK, only one of them did.
Gerald Ford, Bigfoot Chaser
After Richard Nixon resigned in disgrace, the stewardship of the U.S. fell into the hands of renowned Sasquatchologist Gerald Ford. Refusing to actually hunt down the mysterious Bigfoot using the vast resources now at his disposal, Mr. Ford instead chose to set up scores of grainy, black-and-white cameras to capture fleeting glimpses of the beast. Because, hey, why bother tracking down the monster in the woods when you can just take a few snapshots instead?
Jimmy Carter, Alien Abductee
In over 230 years, only one U.S. President has "officially" had contact with extraterrestrial life. After a life-altering sighting of a UFO, then-Governor and former peanut farmer, Jimmy Carter devoted his life to preparing the world for contact with aliens. Shortly before his surprising victory in the 1976 Presidential Race, Jimmy's investigations led him to obsessively play an arcade game called "Starfighter." After he beat the high score, an alien representative of the Star League came to recruit Jimmy to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada! After basic training, Jimmy returned to Earth to serve out his term as President before heading back out to battle alien bad guys across the cosmos!
Ulysses S. Grant, Kraken Crusher
Before he was prez, Ulysses was so inspired by his namesake (Ulysses is Latin for Odysseus) that he decided to take to the sea, where he became a renowned kraken killer. This was before all the sustainable fishing laws protected kraken rights. Now, due to the dwindling kraken population, a guy like Ulysses S. would have little to no game with the hot mermaids.
Woodrow Wilson, Werewolf Worshipper
The 1913 election of noted segregationist, moon-lover, and lycanophile Woodrow Wilson to the Presidency of the United States was a victory for werewolves the world over. For years, Wilson had pushed the werewolf agenda, and during his two terms, more of the hairy folk saw prosperity than ever before! Many whispered that U.S. entry into WWI was more than a little influenced by Lycan interests. After Wilson was incapacitated by a silver bullet stroke, his long-time foe, and celebrated supernatural taxidermist, Henry Cabot Lodge, led the charge to dismantle the werewolf infrastructure which had consumed the capital. He also made a mint in the fur coat market.
Teddy Roosevelt, Banshee Assassin
This is obviously no surprise to anyone, since Teddy Roosevelt is widely accepted as history's most badass president. During his time as a Rough Rider, Teddy would take a banshee, which is already dead, and kill it again, so it'd be deader. He would then laugh and twirl his awesome mustachios while wrestling bears and juggling horse-drawn carriages!
In which apocalypse are you most likely to get your daily dose of bangity-bang?
Even more pick-up lines from a galaxy far, far away!
Is the stink of lonely desperation turning off potential suitors? Try some Boyfriend Spray!
Zombie children need education too, but their teachers are even more overworked and underpaid than living children's teachers!
America Young is a comedy director, producer and actress who kicks ass and takes names, on and off set.
Welcome to Alternate Authors.
Find out what lesbros have in common.
If Abraham Lincoln can hunt vampires, imagine what all the other presidents can do!
Well, slap my knee and call me Echo. These celebs MUST be Dolls...
