Over the course of his campaign to be the newest conductor of the GOP Crazy Train, the man who shares his name with what David Savage defines as "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex" has told off a sick kid, asserted the days of back alley abortions were a simpler, better time, and equated members of the LGBT community with those who practice beastiality.
Clearly, this guy's determined to suck all the helium from everyone's joy balloon.
But let's challenge him. His wins in Tuesday's primaries suggest his nonsense-talk charge to the GOP candidacy hasn't been met with obstacles worthy of his ludicrousness. And what better way to really test his prowess for turning smiles upside-down than to hear what he has to say in regards to arguably the happiest show on TV?
Yes, I'm talking about Glee -- the show that bears all of its good intent in its very title.
What would a fancy-free Tuesday night primetime TV sesh with everyone's favorite weirdo sound like?
Let's go to Rick Santorum's 20-point review of the most recent episode, "The Spanish Teacher":
1. When I'm president, I'll make sure nobody dances for illegal immigration.
2. ...Ricky Martin's dancing and shirt are why people turn gay.
3. I can pray this away, though.
4. Ricky Martin's "Spanish" rendition of the classic "Sexy and I Know It" is a prime example of how threatened our Americanness is.
5. Mercedes and Sam have nothing in common.
6. Obviously.
7. I'll make it my mission to rehabilitate "two-timin' hoes" (that's fornicators, for you non-urban folks).
8. And Newt.
9. Artificial insemination is Satan's work.
10. Twilight is a wholesome story that promotes traditional family values.
11. Kurt's a weird name for a girl.
12. Rachel should marry Finn. She's a woman, so how far could she go with a college degree, anyway?
13. The sooner they get married, the sooner she can get pregnant!
14. "Kurt's" intervention is proof of the homosexual agenda, which will ultimately lead to the deconstruction of good, traditional marriages.
15. Sr. Martinez and Santana are prime examples of the Latino threat on our American values, taking jobs away from hard-working, true Americans.
16. Ms. Pillsbury's pamphlets! Since when is it okay for a staff member to advise young people on how to take care of their special parts?
17. ...Since the gays have gained steam.
18. The only bright spot of this episode was Mr. Schuester's rendering of cross-cultural togetherness and Latin moves!
19. ...Is that contradictory?
20. What does "contradictory" mean?
