Ron Burgundy’s Presidential Cabinet

Ron Burgundy is finally making his return to the big screen in Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues.

The excitement surrounding Burgundy’s long-awaited return kind of makes us wish he could run for the U.S. presidency this year.

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Hey. Why not?

Ron would keep it classy with a campaign slogan like:

“AMERICA: I WANT TO BE ON YOU.”

If elected, Ron would yield presidential power like Thor yields his mighty hammer. Then, he would probably pick a cabinet just like this one:

Secretary of The Animal Clans: Baxter

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As President, Ron Burgundy would release all U.S. animals from captivity. Then, he would have his dog, Baxter, preside over them while they dwelled in small, animal-sized cottages built in every state across the country.

First Order of Business: Eat an entire wheel of gourmet cheese from The White House refrigerator.

Secretary of America’s Secret Ninja Militia: Brian Fantana

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Brian Fantana would lead America’s secret ninja militia (newly established by President Burgundy) to decimate Al Qaeda once and for all.

Fantana’s secret weapon against America’s enemies?

Sex Panther by Odeon, of course.

The cologne would release a smell that was so toxic, it would cause America’s enemies to run away in fright and cry out:

“Ugh! It smells like a gargoyle took a dump on a bag of Cheetos!”

First Order of Business: Give a speech in front of the U.N. in which he presents a vial of Sex Panther and asserts that 60% of the time, his military tactics work every time.

Secretary of Lamp: Brick Tamland

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To make Brick feel included, President Burgundy would allow Brick to pick a cabinet position for himself. Brick would look around and, seeing a lamp, would request to be Secretary of Lamp. Ron would reluctantly grant him his wish.

First Order of Business: Poop out a bust of President Lincoln.

First Lady/Co-President: Veronica Corningstone

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Tired of sexism limiting her potential, First Lady Veronica Corningstone would change President Burgundy’s teleprompter so that President Burgundy is inadvertently led to tell Mexican President Felipe Calderon to go “fuck himself.”

The teleprompter blunder would cause a national outrage, forcing President Burgundy to resign. Meanwhile, Veronica would swoop in to take his place.

First Order of Business: Apologize to Ron, invite him to become her co-president, and then have make-up sex with him on the most glorious rainbow ever.

President of Planet Earth: Ron Burgundy

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President Burgundy would utilize his genius skill on the jazz flute to seduce the American people. But America’s love affair with Ron would wane by the end of his third year, causing Ron to retreat to Camp David. There, he would spend most of his time sulking, drinking day-old milk, and complaining to the secret service that, as president, he feels like he’s always behind a “bullet-proof glass case of emotion.”

First Order of Business: Fill the White House library with many leather bound books, desks that smell of rich mahogany, and a life-sized replica of the steering wheel found on the old Civil War ship Diversity.


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About the author

Ollin Morales

Ollin Morales is a fiction writer and professional blogger. His blog, Courage 2 Create, offers writing advice as well as strategies to deal with life's tough challenges. Courage 2 Create was named one of The Top Ten Blogs For Writers two years in a row (2011, 2012).

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