Shirley’s Bitter Horrorscopes – Week of August 15, 2011

shirley_horrorscopeLibra [Sept. 23 – Oct. 22]:  We’re all created equal. It’s just that some of us have giant dicks. You know who you are — own it.

Scorpio [Oct. 23 – Nov. 21]:  Your friends are being cunts this week, except for your BFF. Yes, your Bottle of Fine Firewhiskey: it will never complain about your blackouts.

Sagittarius [Nov. 22 – Dec. 21]:  The best things in life are free … which is why, no matter how you spin it, the hot dogs you steal from the 7-11 will always be more delicious than the ones you make at home.

Capricorn [Dec. 22 – Jan. 19]:  This week, let a little more time pass. Seriously. That fart smells like a dead whale, you don’t need to share it with the world.

Aquarius [Jan. 20 – Feb. 18]:  Generosity abounds in your sign this week … sooo … you gonna eat that? [Editor’s Note: Comediva accepts no responsibility for Shirley eating your sandwich.]

Pisces [Feb. 19 – Mar. 20]:  Don’t doubt your recent decision: that tattoo is going to look AWESOME when you’re 75. Genitals don’t get saggy like boobs.

Aries [Mar. 21 – Apr. 19]:  Mercury’s in retrograde, which explains why your period’s late. Mercury just loooves to fuck with your cycle, man.

Taurus [Apr. 20 – May 20]:  A recent dilemma will be resolved this week when you decide to go commando and drop the boxer-brief debate altogether.

Gemini [May 21 – June 21]:  From something bad, something good will emerge … i.e. that sex tape is going to make you an instant internet celebrity, and the guy at the local donut shop will give you free coffees from now on. Score!

Cancer [June 22 – July 22]: Looks like you’ve got a fairy godmother in your path this week. AKA your drag queen friend Mario is going to hook you up with some E this weekend. Love those fairy godmothers.

Ophichus [?*&!]:  Mercury is ALWAYS in retrograde for you, lametard!

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Shirley's surly and revels in lowbrow humor involving drinking, swearing or sex. Are you a Shirley?

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