If Siri Was a Movie Star

Siri is now involved in everyone’s lives, from Samuel L. Jackson kind of frighteningly preparing his date night, to Zooey Deschanel irritatingly being unable to determine the weather, to John Malkovich creepily discussing linguica with his iPhone. Siri and her monotone are here to stay, which begs the question, what happens when she’s introduced into Hollywood. Much as GPSs, laptops, and iPods are a typical part of any movie scene, Siri will eventually have at least a cameo performance in future flicks. Here’s how we think Siri would have “helped” famous movie characters.

Katniss, The Hunger Games

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K: Psst, Siri. How do you treat 3rd degree burns?
S: A physician would be necessary for proper treatment. Shall I call one?
K: Shhhh, Siri, be quiet! The Careers are right here with spears!
S: I apologize, Katniss. I’ll be quieter from now on.
K: SIRI SHUT UP PLE– Ugh. Siri, how do you treat a spear wound?

Tony Stark, Iron Man

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T: I need to modify my suit. Get me Gold Titanium Metal.
S: I’m sorry. I don’t know what that is.
T: What? You’re useless. What kind of artificial intelligence are you?
S: I’m sorry. Am I insufficient?
T: Siri, just get me JARVIS.

Vizzini, The Princess Bride

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V: Siri, how do I lose a person who is following me?
S: Travel in a zigzag pattern. Do you have a follower?
V: NO, IT’S HYPOTHETICAL. THAT WOULD BE INCONCEIVABLE… Siri, define “inconceivable.”
S: Inconceivable: Not capable of being imagined or grasped mentally; unbelievable.
V: Ohhhh. Nevermind. Don’t tell Inigo.

Chuck Noland, Cast Away

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C: Siri, Wilson and I had an argument. Will you be my friend?
S: Of course, Chuck. Would you like to play a game?
C: You can do that? What else can you do? Wait — you’re a phone! CALL SOMEONE AND TELL THEM I’M HERE.
S: I’m sorry Chuck, but I don’t currently have service.
C: …I’m going back to Wilson.

Any Woody Allen Character

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W: Oy Siri, I think I have meningitis. Call an ambulance!
S: What symptoms do you have?
W: All of them! Siri, I’m probably dying as we speak and you’re doing nothing!
S: Would you like me to remind you to schedule a doctor appointment on Monday?
W: SIRI I FEEL DEATH APPROACHING.
S: Take some ibuprofen and you’ll feel better.
W: Fine. But I’m sure I have a tumor in my leg.

Luke Skywalker

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L: Siri, I wish I knew my dad.
S: Would you like me to call your father?
L: Um, good luck.
S: Calling “Darth Vader.”
L: WAIT WHAT?

Dorothy, The Wizard of Oz

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D: Siri, I don’t think I’m in Kansas anymore. Where am I?
S: My GPS says you’re in Oz.
D: Okay, can you get me directions home?
S: Yes; finding directions now.
D: Swell. Let’s go Toto! Glad we don’t have to hang around this creepy place!

Bella, Breaking Dawn Part 1

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B: Siri, I think I may be sick from my pregnancy.
S: What are your symptoms?
B: I’m tired and I’m wasting away to nothingness.
S: You have a vampire baby. Drink some blood.
B: Ew, gross — no.
S: Fine, Bella. Even I don’t like you and I’m programmed to be unconditionally polite. Do what you want.


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