Snooki Crashes Christmas!

As the holiday season approaches, we can all look forward to a deluge of Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/ New Year-themed episodes of our favorite television shows.  Reliving the same falling-christmas-tree and burnt-turkey gags year after year can get stale real quick.  What can the networks do to jazz up these episodes PLUS keep them relevant and enticing to the younger generation?

Add a Snooki.


Why should Nicole Polizzi’s backyard-peeing antics be confined to one measly hour a week on MTV’s Jersey Shore?  Let’s all go to Snooki Island!  Imagine Snooki unleashed on the Seaver household from Growing Pains or drunkenly french-kissing Michael J. Fox on Family Ties!  Alas, those shows are long gone and can never know the glory of being Snooki-fied.


But what would happen if the orange-hued, tipsy Queen of Seaside Heights stumbled into one of these holiday gatherings?


The Simpsons

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When drunken Snooki shows up at Moe’s and hooks up with Barney, all of Springfield is abuzz.  Fearing that more Jersey Shore-ites would follow and further decrease the collective I.Q. of Springfield, Lisa starts a petition to pre-emptively ban reality show filming in the city.  

But when Comic Book Guy blackmails Barney and forces Snooki to dress as Slave Leia and clean his house, Homer has to come to the rescue.  Dressing Bart up in a salamander costume from Halloween, Comic Book Guy is convinced that Amazing Spider-Man villain, The Lizard, has come for him, and gives up Snooki without a fight.  With Homer triumphant, everyone gets together for Christmas dinner (except Grandpa, who stays forgotten in the nursing home).  Marge, while groaning at Snooki’s crazy-yet-somehow-charming antics, accepts her into the home.  Snooki’s nipple pops out.

Glee

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When Sue Sylvester successfully schemes to ban the public observance of Christmas in Lima, Mr. Schue and the gang spring into action to stop her dastardly plot!  That is, until drunken Snooki stumbles into McKinley High, suffering from the DTs and vomiting uncontrollably.  The useless Mr. Schue drops everything to care for her, singing Ella Fitzgerald’s “Someone to Watch Over Me.”  Rachel lurks around to sing for Snooki and get herself on an MTV show.  She forces Finn to distract Mr. Schue while she sings a heartbreaking plea, in the form of Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds.”  Snooki gropes her and passes out.  

Meanwhile, Puck wants in on the Jersey Shore party scene, and he knows what Snooki really needs.  After half a bottle of vodka, the Snooki we know and love is back in action.  Singing a sensual cover of Jill Sobule’s “I Kissed a Girl” and snapping some controversial, private pics of herself and the DTF Sue Sylvester, Snooki convinces Sue to back off her anti-holiday stance, just in time for the lighting of the enormous Christmas tree.  Kurt makes a speech about tolerance, and Artie walks over in his power-legs from last season and officially lights the tree.  Snooki smacks a bitch for looking at her funny.

How I Met Your Mother

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Frustrated by his on-again/off-again romance with Robin, Barney shows up to the holiday party at Marshall and Lily’s new place with a hot babe on his arm: Drunken Snooki!  As horrified Lily struggles to stay polite and keep Snooki’s wild gesticulations from knocking over lamps, Ted and Marshall harass Barney for details on what she’s like in the sack.  A tearful Robin locks herself in the bedroom.  

Lily finally has enough when Snooki accidentally sets the extreme amount of product in Ted’s hair ablaze and his agonized thrashing about destroys the dinner spread.  Lily’s gonna open a can of whoop-ass, and she’s got a six-pack!  The guys cheer on as the cat-fight demolishes the house.  Brooklyn vs. Jersey finally comes to an end when Robin ends her pity-party in the bedroom and tasers everybody.  Ted busts out some “submarine sandwiches” and the gang smoke out and live happily ever after.  Snooki takes a dump in a potted plant.


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About the author

Luis Navarro

Luis Navarro is a token man slave and writer for Comediva.  He is a proud Valley Boy ("Fer sure") and martial artist.  He earned a Master's Degree in Counseling and is an ordained online minister!  He also boasts an encyclopedic knowledge of the Star Wars Expanded Universe and post-1970s movie trivia.  He is secure enough in his masculinity to admit a fondness for unicorns.

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