The Star Wars Saga is one of the greatest stories ever told. It's rife with adventure, intrigue, romance, comedy and tragedy, like any masterpiece of fiction. Let's see what happens when we inject some Star Wars into classic literature:
Huckleberry Solo
A scoundrel and trouble-maker at heart, young Huckleberry Solo finds himself living the good life after being taken in by the Widow Calrissian. However, when his ne'er-do-well father breezes into town and kidnaps him to get his smuggler's booty, Solo goes on the run and teams up with a runaway slave named Chewbacca. The unlikely pair head down the Mississippi on a raft they christen the Dixie Falcon. After several adventures and a close call with a band of Mandos, they run into an odd pair of confidence men, the devious Frenchman, Artie Detou and the hare-brained Brit, "Duke" Threepeo, who betray them to the authorities. With Chewie back in shackles, Huckleberry Solo ends up at Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's place to plan a rescue with his best friend, Luke Sawyer. After freeing the Wookie, Huckleberry heads out West for grand adventures in the Outer Rim!
The Ingenious Gentleman Don Qui-Gon of Coruscant
Enchanted by tales of the chivalrous Jedi of olden times, Qui-Gon Jinn renames himself Don Qui-Gon of Coruscant and sets out with his padawan, Sancho Kenobi, to bring back the age of chivalry! The Jedi Council quickly stage an intervention.
A Portrait of the Dark Lord as a Young Man
Anakin Skywalker is a young Force-sensitive boy working like a slave for Watto Schwartz's Junk Emporium in late 19th century Dublin. He's freed from his bondage after a game of chance and then goes to an all-boys school run by Jedi priests. The generally good-hearted and naïve young Anakin struggles with the political and religious upheavals around him, and the great deal of fear within him. As he becomes a Jedi Knight, he feels alienated and increasingly tormented by his sinful lust for a young noblewoman named Padme Naberrie. Anakin does a complete turnaround and devotes himself to the Dark Side after hearing a rousing sermon from Chancellor Palpatine. As the novel closes, he's recognized by his peers as a Sith Lord (though he hasn't done much Sith-ing yet!) and resolves to go out and bring order to Ireland!
One Thousand Years of Digestion
A tale of a Sarlacc who founds an imaginary city called Macondo in the Dune Sea of Tatooine. As generations of the enormous plant-like creatures spawn and die, they observe the rise and fall of the Republic and the Empire, and suffer various (mostly self-inflicted) misfortunes. But when a tasty morsel named Boba Fett falls into its maw, the Sarlacc finds him "somewhat indigestible!"
The Bell Jar Jar
The tale of Jar Jar Binks, a young Gungan from Otoh Gunga, and his struggles with mental illness and extreme clumsiness. When he begins a new job working for Boss Nass, Jar Jar thinks he's turned a corner, but his absurd level of clumsiness causes him disaster, time and again. After destroying his luxury yacht, an enraged Boss Nass sentences Jar Jar to Electro-Convulsive Shock Therapy and institutionalizes him. And the galaxy cheers!
Ewok on the Wild Side
Growing up in Bright Tree Village, Wicket W. Warrick struggles with his lack of education and is seduced by an older woman. Leaving town, he finds work in an Ewok condom factory (made exclusively from tree bark!) and a brothel, and comes up with three rules for life: 1) Never play cards with a Yuzzem. 2) Never eat at an Imperial outpost. And, 3) Never sleep with an Ewok whose troubles are worse than your own! Yubnub!
To Kill a Clone Trooper
CT-1980 "Scout" and CT-1976 "Jem" are two young clone troopers in a sleepy town on the planet Alabama, under the command of Jedi Knight Atticus Finch. Amid rising prejudice against non-humans, an Ithorian named Tom Robinson is falsely accused of assaulting a local human woman. Jedi Finch takes up the Ithorian's case and discredits the woman and her father, an up-and-coming politician named Bob Tarkin. However, the anti-alien sentiment wins out and Tom Robinson is convicted and shot to death while trying to escape. Tarkin swears vengeance on the Jedi Knight, and attacks Scout and Jem while they're on patrol. Unable to defend themselves due to their obedience conditioning, they're saved by a defective Null ARC Clone Commando nicknamed "Boo," who takes out Tarkin with extreme prejudice.
Sith Lord of the Flies
When a group of British schoolboys are stranded on a deserted island, they decide to try to govern themselves. Unfortunately, schisms quickly form and the boys split into two camps, one led by Ralph, who tries to treat others fairly and protects a chubby boy who is cruelly named "Piggy", and one led by Darth Maul. As Maul has a double-bladed lightsaber, the war is quickly decided.
Photoshoppin' by Emily McGregor!
****
Need even more nerdgasms? Check out "Sci-Fi Spa Day"!
Huckleberry Solo
A scoundrel and trouble-maker at heart, young Huckleberry Solo finds himself living the good life after being taken in by the Widow Calrissian. However, when his ne'er-do-well father breezes into town and kidnaps him to get his smuggler's booty, Solo goes on the run and teams up with a runaway slave named Chewbacca. The unlikely pair head down the Mississippi on a raft they christen the Dixie Falcon. After several adventures and a close call with a band of Mandos, they run into an odd pair of confidence men, the devious Frenchman, Artie Detou and the hare-brained Brit, "Duke" Threepeo, who betray them to the authorities. With Chewie back in shackles, Huckleberry Solo ends up at Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru's place to plan a rescue with his best friend, Luke Sawyer. After freeing the Wookie, Huckleberry heads out West for grand adventures in the Outer Rim!
The Ingenious Gentleman Don Qui-Gon of Coruscant
Enchanted by tales of the chivalrous Jedi of olden times, Qui-Gon Jinn renames himself Don Qui-Gon of Coruscant and sets out with his padawan, Sancho Kenobi, to bring back the age of chivalry! The Jedi Council quickly stage an intervention.
A Portrait of the Dark Lord as a Young Man
Anakin Skywalker is a young Force-sensitive boy working like a slave for Watto Schwartz's Junk Emporium in late 19th century Dublin. He's freed from his bondage after a game of chance and then goes to an all-boys school run by Jedi priests. The generally good-hearted and naïve young Anakin struggles with the political and religious upheavals around him, and the great deal of fear within him. As he becomes a Jedi Knight, he feels alienated and increasingly tormented by his sinful lust for a young noblewoman named Padme Naberrie. Anakin does a complete turnaround and devotes himself to the Dark Side after hearing a rousing sermon from Chancellor Palpatine. As the novel closes, he's recognized by his peers as a Sith Lord (though he hasn't done much Sith-ing yet!) and resolves to go out and bring order to Ireland!
One Thousand Years of Digestion
A tale of a Sarlacc who founds an imaginary city called Macondo in the Dune Sea of Tatooine. As generations of the enormous plant-like creatures spawn and die, they observe the rise and fall of the Republic and the Empire, and suffer various (mostly self-inflicted) misfortunes. But when a tasty morsel named Boba Fett falls into its maw, the Sarlacc finds him "somewhat indigestible!"
The Bell Jar Jar
The tale of Jar Jar Binks, a young Gungan from Otoh Gunga, and his struggles with mental illness and extreme clumsiness. When he begins a new job working for Boss Nass, Jar Jar thinks he's turned a corner, but his absurd level of clumsiness causes him disaster, time and again. After destroying his luxury yacht, an enraged Boss Nass sentences Jar Jar to Electro-Convulsive Shock Therapy and institutionalizes him. And the galaxy cheers!
Ewok on the Wild Side
Growing up in Bright Tree Village, Wicket W. Warrick struggles with his lack of education and is seduced by an older woman. Leaving town, he finds work in an Ewok condom factory (made exclusively from tree bark!) and a brothel, and comes up with three rules for life: 1) Never play cards with a Yuzzem. 2) Never eat at an Imperial outpost. And, 3) Never sleep with an Ewok whose troubles are worse than your own! Yubnub!
To Kill a Clone Trooper
CT-1980 "Scout" and CT-1976 "Jem" are two young clone troopers in a sleepy town on the planet Alabama, under the command of Jedi Knight Atticus Finch. Amid rising prejudice against non-humans, an Ithorian named Tom Robinson is falsely accused of assaulting a local human woman. Jedi Finch takes up the Ithorian's case and discredits the woman and her father, an up-and-coming politician named Bob Tarkin. However, the anti-alien sentiment wins out and Tom Robinson is convicted and shot to death while trying to escape. Tarkin swears vengeance on the Jedi Knight, and attacks Scout and Jem while they're on patrol. Unable to defend themselves due to their obedience conditioning, they're saved by a defective Null ARC Clone Commando nicknamed "Boo," who takes out Tarkin with extreme prejudice.
Sith Lord of the Flies
When a group of British schoolboys are stranded on a deserted island, they decide to try to govern themselves. Unfortunately, schisms quickly form and the boys split into two camps, one led by Ralph, who tries to treat others fairly and protects a chubby boy who is cruelly named "Piggy", and one led by Darth Maul. As Maul has a double-bladed lightsaber, the war is quickly decided.
Photoshoppin' by Emily McGregor!
****
Need even more nerdgasms? Check out "Sci-Fi Spa Day"!
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