Teen Movies Based on Unlikely Literature

From Ten Things I Hate about You to Easy A, Hollywood has been rehashing classic literature into easily digestible teen movies for decades. However, rather than going after the obvious, overplayed choices, why not dig a little deeper into the literary canon for screenplay fodder?

These are the next classics that should be re-imagined on the silver screen and enjoyed by drunk, horny teenagers for years to come.

Ulysses

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It’s a regular stoner movie when Stevie and Leo, members of the death metal band The Lestrygonians, join forces to win back their girlfriends Molly and Penelope from sleazy band manager Blazes Boylan. Hijinks ensue as the two wander through town on the night of their first big gig high on hash and gorgonzola cheese sandwiches. They encounter prostitutes, masturbate on the beach, and come to terms with what friendship truly means.

Moby Dick

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Seventeen-year-old Ishmael, a secret virgin, plans to return from spring break vacation in the Caribbean a man. He recruits his buddies Stubb and Flask to help him reignite the sparks with his ex, Mobelina, the one that got away. In order to impress Moby, Ish pretends to be a player, hitting all the girls on the cruise ship. Will Ish catch-bang his white whale? Will he realize the reason why he hasn’t lost his virginity is because he’s actually in love with Ahab, the one-legged cabin boy?

Madame Bovary

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Emma breaks up with controlling boyfriend Charles just one week before prom. Everyone at the Bovary School was certain that Emma would be prom queen! But can a girl be a queen without a king? Emma decides to date one fella a day until the weekend before prom to decide who she will take. Could it be Rodolphe, the school’s rich kid? Or Mock U.N. Club President Leon? Maybe Lheureux, the sullen emo dude? Will Charles win Emma back despite her new suitors? Will Emma realize it’s OK to go to prom alone, or will she spike the punch bowl with arsenic?

Don Quixote

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When Alonso transfers to La Mancha High in the 10th grade, he decides to reinvent himself as “Don,” a superstar football player. Alonso’s grown up watching sports movies like Rudy and We are Marshall; he’s sure he’s meant to put on those pads and fight the good fight. When “Don” arrives at his new school, he immediately warms to all other awkward, geeky dreamer kids in peril. Don becomes their hero as he defends them against a gang of bullies, the Muleteers. Joined by loyal buddy, Sancho, a foreign exchange student from Spain, Don abandons his football dreams in order to become an unlikely champion for La Mancha’s outcasts.

To Kill a Mockingbird

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Scout’s all grown up and decides to throw a house party while uptight father Atticus Finch is out of town. Will dorky brother Jem rat his sister out? Will Scout finally hook up with Dill? Most importantly, will Boo Radley buy them beer?


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