Today’s lesson: LOVE POTIONS. Yessiree, this muggle’s going to teach you how to use love potions from the Potterverse in the “real world.”
Now, let’s open our lesson with a quote from The Tales of Beedle the Bard, taken ninety-seven percent out of context: “Powerful infatuations can be induced by the skillful potioneer…” Ah-ha! All you need is a cauldron, something called “skill,” some herbs, and hotabsamora, Ryan Gosling will appear naked, at your door, proffering sex-chocolate and post-coital tacos. Easy-peasy? I can’t see why not.
Let’s take a look at a composite list of all the love potions in the Harry Potter series. It turns out that seven of eight of them are sold by Fred and George Weasley in their “WonderWitch” line of magical doo-dads marketed to women. We’ll just sweep that sexism under the not-so-magical-carpet, ok?
So, since J.K. Rowling didn’t offer too much detail on these elixirs, I’ve gone ahead filled in some of the info. Here are the Weasley potions and what each [probably] does. Also, for those of you who can’t conjure for crap, either because you’re a lazy sonofabitch or you’re a mere human, I’ll give you some pointers of using these potions in day-to-day non-magical life.
Cupid Crystals
Ingredients: Freesia Bath & Body Works bath salts, crushed basilisk fangs, and a pinch of kitty litter.
Cupid Crystals are best used to lure the hot UPS guy into your apartment for an afternoon romp.
Kissing Concoction
Ingredients: A can of PBR and the blood of a doxy.
Use a kissing concoction during interviews that aren’t going well or to distract your landlord when rent’s past due.
Beguiling Bubbles
Ingredients: Mr. Bubbles bubble bath, eye of grindylow, and Earl Grey tea leaves.
Use this potion when hungover. It makes you look ten times less run-over-by-a steamroller which is consequently ten times more bangable.
Twilight Moonbeams
Ingredients: Peruvian Vipertooth slobber and sea salt.
This potion will make Robert Pattinson fall in love with you. However, if you mix it wrong, you’ll have an obsessed Kristin Stewart to ward off.
Heartbreak Teardrops
Ingredients: Rosemary and a lock of fur from a Pygmy Puff.
This one’s great to use after getting dumped or realizing that your boyfriend is actually married and living a double life in Utah.
Flirting Fancies
Ingredients: Flobberworm slime and a dash of pepper.
Not certain if you want your coworker to fall in love with you? Maybe you just want him to bring you bagels and spiked coffee every morning. Use Flirting Fancies when you’re feeling fickle about being frisky.
Crush Blush
Ingredients: Fred and George are totally ripping you off with this one. It’s red Kool Aid mix combined with Bare Escentuals blush in “Peach Satin.”
Use with matching lip-gloss or just add water if thirsty.
Bonus: Amortentia
Amortentia is supposedly the most powerful love potion ever created. In fact, It’s so hot that it it’s too hot for Number 93 Diagon Alley. It’s comprised of Nargle spooge and other unknown ingredients.
Use on contact with any of the following: Paul Walker, David Beckham, Benedict Cumberbatch, Colin Firth, or Maroon 5.
