The Socially Conscious Brett Ratner

Sure he was the child of a Florida socialite and morphed into a whiny baby director of Hollywood Blockbusters like the Rush Hour flicks, Tower Heist and X-Men: The Last Stand. Yes, he’s probably snorted coke off of lots of women called “Tawny” and “Crystal,” and he got fired from producing the Oscars for saying the word f** — oops! Poor Brett.

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But, he’s looked deep into his microfiber soul recently and is ready for change. No more explosions — unless they symbolize the tyranny of corporate greed. No more one-liners — unless they’re really, really deep. We got an exclusive sneak peek at socially conscious Brett Ratner’s new development slate and here is the inspiring, mind-boggling list:

Norma Rae

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Kim Kardashian stars as a factory worker who wears kerchiefs and risks her life to unionize the textile mill she toils at day after day. Mario Lopez plays her love interest and in a really enlightened, gender-bending twist, Sofia Vergara is the union organizer. Both Sofia and Kim embrace their femininity by wearing six-inch stilettos throughout the film. It just proves women can be sexy and do factory work at the same time. Brett pitches this as Erin Brockovich meets Glitter.

Milk

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Brett didn’t really mean it when he said “rehearsal is for f*gs,” so remaking Milk seems a perfect choice for his reformed slate. Mel Gibson plays the first openly gay mayor of San Francisco and he’s sure to garner Oscar buzz. To really capture the impact of Harvey Milk’s murder, Brett has decided to set Milk in the Middle Ages, a la Game of Thrones. Genius. Heads will roll and Milk will have to battle ax-wielding warriors and dodge poisoned arrows shot by his assassin — played by The Rock, who is sure to bring real complexity and depth to the villain. He has put ample rehearsal time into their contracts — go Brett!

The Bicycle Thief

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This Italian Neo-realist classic will get the Ratner touch when it’s re-imagined as a musical comedy starring Dane Cook as the poor, put upon father struggling to make a living for his family. Poor people are really funny, so rather than mope around, Dane and his little son (played by Donald and Melania Trump’s adorable heir Barron) dance and sing their way around New York looking for the father’s lost bicycle. Donald is an investor in the film.

The Grapes of Wrath

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In his magnum opus Ratner remakes the classic Steinbeck tale with — who else? — the entire Will Smith clan. Because they’re not at all annoying individually, putting Will, Jada, Willow, and Jaden together as the Joads, a dust bowl family that is barely able to eat, should be a real treat. The clan will have to do a LOT of research but they’re troopers and will do anything for their art. Count on Jada’s character saying things like “my man peels a mean potato” and “my man found us a possum to eat.”


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About the author

Dina Gachman

Dina Gachman's blog Bureaucracy for Breakfast has been featured on NPR, Huffington Post, and Chelsea Handler's Borderline Amazing Comedy. She's written for Forbes, Stylist, LA Review of Books, Splitsider, Ask Men, and Hello Giggles. She's also written comic books about Elizabeth Taylor and Marilyn Monroe. Find her on Twitter: @TheElf26

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