Things We Learned from Bond Girls

Nuclear physicists and computer programmers tend to be smoking hot.

Like, model hot.  But oddly, despite their intelligence, when they speak they sound dumb as turds.

Cock is worth dying for.

Repeatedly, we see the “bad girl” go right ahead and betray her evil boss for a nice Bond lay.  It got the famous golden girl her paint job, and got Corrinne Dufour mauled by dogs in “Moonraker.”  But GOD, he can lay the PIPE!

If you win a man’s love, you will die.

Much like Jay Z, Bond be “forever mackin’,” and if he does try and settle down, “bitch gon’ die.”  The only two times the commitment phobic Bond gave his heart to a woman — getting married in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” and, of course, in “Casino Royale” — the woman was promptly killed.  Lucky for Beyonce, the rules of Bond don’t apply to her and her hubby.

Intimidating black chicks dig old, wrinkly white dudes.

Mayday is one of the most physically impressive Bond girls.  By the looks of her, she could snap any man in two.  So what better sexual partner for her than a geriatric James Bond, as played by Roger Moore in his last 007 film, “A View to Kill.”  He is way less booty call and way more early bird special.  Gross.

Best way to resolve a death grudge is to have a threesome with your nemesis.

Ever magnanimous, in “From Russia With Love,” Bond offers to resolve the two gypsy girls’ feud and restore peace by simultaneously boning both of them.  Now you know how to get over that fight you had with your sister last Christmas.

Holding on to your virginity is silly and stupid.

In “Live and Let Die,” Jane Seymour’s chaste Bond girl is duped by Bond into losing her V card.  But, you know what?  It’s totally not a big deal.  She was stupid to be a virgin anyway.  At least that’s what the movie told us.

Getting sexually assaulted by the right guy can straighten out a lesbian.

Pussy Galore is a bonafide lesbo til 007 comes along, kicks her ass in a judo fight in a barn, and then forces her to take a roll in the hay, literally.  And you know what?  She totally loved it.  Eventually.

You can’t contract STDs.

Bond 007 may pack heat, but he sure don’t pack protection, and none of the ladies seem to care.  In “Thunderball,” they bone underwater, and I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a little wetsuit getting put on, if you know what I mean.

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In the end, I think we all know Bond girls live in a Bond world, and that’s where their life lessons should stay.  ‘Cause in real life, like diamonds, herpes are forever.