This Week’s Shannonigans: GOP Cry Babies

I hope everyone is getting over their hangovers from yesterdays festivities. I spent my fourth of July drinking with my husband and comparing pictures of my toddler daughter to Speaker of the House John Boehner. Which is kind of mean because my baby cries way less. So for This Weeks Shannonigans, I would like to take on: the Republican’s response to the Supreme Court’s decision to uphold the Affordable Care Act.
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Since day one of Barack Obama’s presidency, the Republicans have been acting with the maturity of a toddler going through the terrible twos and sometimes crying like one, too (put down your hanky John Boehner). No matter what President Obama says, they flip out and scream “No.” My daughter does this all the time. I offer her spinach, she says no, so then I offer her chocolate and she still says no. So I completely understand the president’s frustration. Obama could repeal Roe vs. Wade, execute Bill Maher, and round up all the gay people force them onto a reservation and make them refashion the AIDS quilt into a giant portrait of Ronald Reagan making out with Sarah Palin and the Republicans would still scream, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OBAMA ISN’T THE BOSS OF ME.”

Now that the United States of America is going to join the ranks of progressive countries like Rwanda by offering affordable health care to all of its citizens, the Republicans are throwing a temper tantrum like a baby before nap time. Many Republicans are singing the classic toddler tune, “You can’t tell me what to do,” and threatening to not follow the rulings in their states.

While it’s easy and enjoyable to make fun of the Republicans and blame them for everything, the Democrats are at fault as well. For most of Obama’s presidency, the Democrats have made the mistake of trying to appease the Republicans. This is a futile method because, like toddlers, the Republicans are trying to assert their independence and show everyone what big boys and girls they are by saying no to everything. To help out the Democrats, I will explain the 5 stages of toddler defiance using my daughter and John Boehner as examples because someone needs to say no to the Republicans’ nos and be a parent so our county can get shit done.

Stage 1: Shock
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You have just told your toddler republican No. Ignore them while they cry. They are going through the natural process of realizing the world does not revolve around them and they can’t have everything their heart desires.

Stage 2: Blame
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Now your toddler republican will start to blame you for everything. You refuse to buy them another stuffed puppy even though they have 100 at home so they hysterically throw themselves on the ground and it’s somehow your fault that they stubbed their toe in the process. Or you say no to more Bush era tax cuts because rich people are tighter with their money than John Boehner’s face trying to hold back tears after a Disney princess movie. And then the Republicans somehow blame Obama for the economy being in the gutter despite the fact he wasn’t even president when this whole mess started.

Again ignore your child Republican, drag them out of the toy store, and let them continue to throw their temper tantrum in private so you aren’t tempted to bargain with them out of sheer embarrassment. The most important part of this is to not pay attention to them no matter what because this is what they crave and it only gives their crazy antics validation.

Stage 3: Bargaining
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Your efforts are starting to pay off and your republican toddler may begin to understand that what you say goes. Unfortunately, they still have some fight left in them. They may say things like, “If you buy me this stuffed puppy I promise to never ask for another stuffed puppy again!” or “If you give the rich tax cuts we promise to never ask for it again!” No matter how tempting it is to say yes to shut them up, stay firm because they are lying to you. The sun rises every morning, toddlers always want more stuffed puppies, and Republicans always want more tax cuts for the wealthy.

Stage 4: Depression
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Your toddler republican is experiencing the come down after the high of throwing a hissy fit in public. They are realizing that they will not get exactly what they want out of life. This will cause them to reflect on their past and they will become depressed that their dreams of living in a room filled with stuffed puppies or a world without pesky minorities (except for the ones that serve you, of course) will not come true because, in fact, the world does not revolve around them. Do not try to talk your toddler republican out of this natural depression by saying things like, ” You can still be happy with only 10 stuffed puppies” or “Don’t worry, you still have 3 mansions while most Americans are being foreclosed upon on their 1 shack.” They need to fully feel the magnitude of their loss of delusions of grandeur in order to recover.

Stage 5: Acceptance

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While your republican toddler might not like your decision, they have learned to accept it. This does not mean they are happy about it, but they have realized no amount of screaming will change the fact that you are the boss and they can’t have their way 100% of the time. Don’t be fooled by their temporary compliance. You have won the battle, but are still fighting the war. Rest and regain your strength for the next time your toddler republican decides to show you how mature they are by saying no to everything.

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Democrats, I hope this helps you understand the irrational behavior of the Republican party. If you have any questions, I can’t hear you because I am listening to Cindy Lauper on my iPod, playing Angry Birds, and ignoring my daughter because she thinks the world will end if I don’t buy her a 7th stuffed Peter Rabbit.

And that’s been This Week’s Shannonigans


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About the author

Shannon Sutherland

Shannon Sutherland is a stand-up comedian turned stay at home mom turned mom blogger. After giving birth to her daughter she soon realized that motherhood is not as easy as it looks in the movies and spent most of her days getting covered in both baby and puppy poop, pee, and puke. Shannon started a blog as a way to document her daughter's growth and vent about the daily challenges of being a mom. Luckily, she discovered many other women share the same experiences as her and now enjoys sharing her journey with moms all over the world on her appropriately named blog PoopPeePuke.com. Shannon is originally from Kansas but now resides in New York City with her awesome husband, daughter, and dog. In her free time she likes to sleep, eat pancakes, and wait Shannon has no free time because she is a mom! That's alright though because motherhood rocks!

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4 comments

  1. Pirate

    This had me nearly peeing my pants… I hope Princess A grows out of this stage pretty soon for ya, but I’ve lost hope for the other.

  2. Linda

    Great. Love your last two columns on this site. This one is especially wonderful. Now I finally understand what the republicans are doing

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