Tina Fey’s Presidential Cabinet

It isn’t even 2012 and it seems like the U.S. presidential race just keeps heating up, right? And now that comedienne extraordinaire Tina Fey was nominated yet AGAIN for an Emmy, I realized we’ve been ignoring yet another viable candidate for the presidency.

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I mean, if Tina Fey became president, not only would she rock, but she’d appoint a presidential cabinet that would have you screaming:

“I want to go to there!”

Vice-President:  Amy Poehler

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VP Poehler would be given the task of carrying (and then giving birth to) Tina Fey’s first legislative baby: a constitutional amendment that would require men to break physical glass ceilings in buildings.

(President Fey would later laud the amendment’s passage as a historic victory for “comedic irony.”)

However, Tina Fey would find out later that Amy Poehler wasn’t carrying her baby at all, but was giving birth to her own legislative baby: a constitutional amendment requiring male job applicants to submit two headshots and then pass a standardized test in order to get hired — an amendment dubbed: “the double standard.”

Dismayed by Poehler’s betrayal (and jealous of her rapier wit), Tina Fey would exhale in a silly nature and then just do Amy’s job herself.

First Order of Business:  Hijack President Fey’s “Weekly YouTube Address” and use it to let off steam about all the things she can’t believe are actually happening in the world, introducing each new topic with the exclamation: “Really!?”

Secretary of the Treasury:  Steve Carell

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As Secretary of the Treasury, Steve Carell would immediately call for a press conference that would interrupt all regularly scheduled programming. Once all of America were watching him, he would shout:

“BANKRUPTCYYYYYYYYYYY!”

He’d continue to do this until President Fey appeared and whispered into his ear, informing Carell that this isn’t how you declare bankruptcy.

Then, President Fey would instruct Secretary Carell to tell the American people that the economy is getting better, it’s just that sometimes it’s hard to get it back up again.

To which Steve Carell would reply, with a smirk:

“That’s what she said.”

At which point, President Fey would shout, “Nerds!” and then just do Carell’s job herself.

First Order of Business:  Start a committee dedicated to planning birthday parties for every citizen in America, and then re-route all of the Treasury’s money to this committee in order to purchase inflatable Sumo Wrestling suits for all the birthday festivities.

Secretary of Defense:  Alec Baldwin

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Secretary Baldwin’s hubris-on-steroids approach to America’s defense strategy would lead him to declare war on Iran, Pakistan, North Korea, Russia, China, Cuba, Indonesia, Guam, France, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan again, Germany, Bulgaria, Pakistan a third time, and then a small island in South Asia called Bigtitimama. (Off-handedly, he would admit that he wasn’t sure if that last one was really an island or just the stripper he once hired to pleasure him on a business trip in Tahiti.)

When Tina explains to Baldwin that only Congress can declare war on a country, Baldwin would point out that that the previous president, secret-Muslim-communist and African-citizen Obama, sure didn’t ask for congressional approval when he attacked Libya.

Then Tina would explain that that situation was different because it was a humanitarian crisis, and America’s allies were taking the lead, while America played a smaller role.

To which Baldwin would reply:

“Oh, so you want to enter a sticky foreign mess from behind like the last guy?”

At which point Steve Carell would appear out of nowhere with a smirk and say:

“That’s what she said.”

Tina Fey would nearly “snart” and then proceed to carry out Baldwin’s responsibilities herself.

First Order of Business:  Declare war on Canada and rename it the U. S. P. W. D. M. F. B. or “The United States of People Who Drink Milk From Bags.”

First Lady:  Jane Krakowski

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After a long night’s work, Tina Fey would find herself waking up on a Diet Coke-stained floor at the oval office, not having showered for weeks, while behind her, First Lady Jane Krakowski would be sprawled on the presidential desk making out with a White House intern dressed in drag.

Tina Fey would overhear Jane say to the intern:

“Be careful not to push the button that sends things shooting all over the place.”

Then, in her half-conscious state, Tina Fey would reply with a smirk:

“That’s what she said.”

First Order of Business:  Produce the first reality television show dedicated to a First Lady, entitled: “The Real Housewife of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue: UNCENSORED AND RAW XXX IN 3D!!!”


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About the author

Ollin Morales

Ollin Morales is a fiction writer and professional blogger. His blog, Courage 2 Create, offers writing advice as well as strategies to deal with life's tough challenges. Courage 2 Create was named one of The Top Ten Blogs For Writers two years in a row (2011, 2012).

View all articles by Ollin Morales