Inspired by under-appreciated Whedonverse show Dollhouse, we decided to theorize about some celebs that sure seem like they might be Dolls. Not Buzz Lightyear-fun-type Dolls, more like Chucky-with-great-abs-and-perfect-teeth-hiding-their-evil-intent-type Dolls. These Dolls are tasked with entertaining (or attempting to), rather than assassinating, and they’ve found the perfect place to hide. A land where beautiful, dead-eyed robots roam the landscape, as far as the eye can see: Hollywood!
Section I:
10) Warren Beatty
The O.G. gigolo. Ladies’ man extraordinaire. Obviously a pleasure-bot. Mr. Beatty spread his loving across countless film sets and nightclubs all over the world before his model became obsolete, and he was sold at auction to Annette Bening. On a side-note, Beatty-Bot’s sister, Shirley MacLaine, is an avid UFO believer, and has publicly admitted having affairs with not only leading men, but *multiple* Prime Ministers. Lust? Or espionage?!?
9) January Jones
Who better to portray the villainous White Queen in X-Men: First Class, than the seemingly-carved-from-ice January Jones. From an inexplicable relationship with odd-looking singer Josh Groban (so far out of his league he’s obviously a member of the Illuminati), to refusing to name the father of her infant son, to her superhero-esque name, January MUST be a programmable Doll!
8) John Travolta
One of the Dollhouse’s most popular models, Travolta was sent overseas to “provide comfort” to bigwigs in the organization after the Look Who’s Talking movies finally petered out. If it wasn’t for Pulp Fiction, Johnny would either be explaining to fans that “No, I’m not Patrick Swayze, I was in the other dance movie” while trying to charge them twenty bucks for a polaroid at the local comic convention, or dressing up like a pilot to amuse Oprah and be allowed on her show every once in a while … oh, wait, he does do that one.
7) Britney Spears
Genetically engineered to be the ultimate pop princess, fate unfortunately dumped her with hillbilly stage parents in the Deep South. After finding fame through a careful balance of tons of vocal effects, schoolgirl outfits, and ripping off Madonna, Britney’s programming went haywire! She attempted to fix the problem herself, but only got so far as shaving her head. She was taken in for repairs, and is now, occasionally, let outside on her own.
6) Ashton Kutcher
The poor-man’s Warren Beatty (actually, that would be Richard Gere). He lent his fancy name and annoying exuberance to television and movies, alike! Deemed too goofy to be a leading man, he was then leased to Demi Moore to gain vengeance on Bruce Willis. You never defy the New World Order, Bruce, never! These days, Ashton mostly shuffles about, long-haired and bearded. This fate befalls many of the male Programmable Dolls, see: Pitt, Brad. Nolte, Nick.
5) Marilyn Monroe
When Norma Jean became The Marilyn Monroe, is it so hard to believe some government programming might have had something to do with it? How else could a small-town, mousy girl end up seducing famous baseball players, and even, rumor has it, the President of the United States, and his brother?! Tales of how cruelly the Kennedy brothers treated her, and how she was targeted by the FBI and the Mafia, and the amount of psychiatric drugs she was prescribed, only make it easier to conjecture that Marilyn Monroe was one of the most famous Programmable Dolls!
Section II: Anyone married to Tom Cruise
4) Mimi Rogers
Tom Cruise is an intense little dude, apparently one who has a tough time finding “the right gal!” So his buddies at the Church of Scientology have always been more than glad to help out! His first wife, actress Mimi Rogers, is the daughter of a powerful Scientologist named Phil Spickler. She fulfilled her mission and brought the young wunderkind into the Church.
3) Nicole Kidman
Initially rejected by the Scientologists as a mate for Cruise because of her father’s work in psychology (“Oh no! Real science!”), as well as her Catholic beliefs, Nicole went on to be a great “Stepford Wife” for Tom. Coincidentally (or not?!?), her career also went gangbusters. Nicole-bot’s porcelain-like skin may be attributed to good genes or cutting edge plastic surgery, but we know the truth! However, when Nicole made a few public statements not 100% supportive of Scientology, they told Tommy to take a hike. Scientology kept the kids.
2) Katie Holmes
Another former Catholic (guilty and obedient, just like cults like!), she mooned over Movie Star Tom Cruise as a wee girl. Unfortunately, she married The Real Tom Cruise, fresh off couch-jumping on Oprah. Her programming barely lasted at all, though she did bear Tom Cruise an actual biological child. Now we must all fear…
1) Tom Cruise
The Ultimate Programmable Doll. Chock full of enough crazy and charisma to be the world’s biggest movie star, or a religious leader. However, when he tried to do both, the Dianetics hit the fan!
