It's spring, the one time of year we walk outside, appreciate the beauty of nature, and let our guard down against the most bloodthirsty creatures ever to grace the earth:
For years, these perennial wooden predators have bided their time, hate for the human race growing inside their squirrel-infested bodies. These cunning conifers, brutal bonsai and murderous monocotyledons are out for BLOOD and they won’t be satisfied until YOURS is all over their gnarled, barky limbs!
In order to arm you against Murder Nature, we complied a list of the Top 10 Movie Trees That Scare Us Senseless! Listed below are the trees (and tree-like honorable mentions) whose actions display the plant kingdom’s true agenda: Take out the human race through whatever means necessary. These terrifying topiaries want nothing better than to see you dead, your home razed, and the bodies of your children decorated with tinsel and blinking lights for their sick tree amusement. Read on, educate yourself, and pray to god Home Depot doesn’t run out of axes.
10) The Tree of Life from The Fountain
Hugh Jackman drinks sap from the Tree of Life and (ironically) dies when roots and flowers burst out of his face. People, start the educational campaign now: Every part of a tree wants to kill you, even the sap!
9) The Whomping Willow from the Harry Potter series
Despite being warned that this tree is tremendously violent, Harry and Ron crash-land their car into the Whomping Willow and get…Whomped. Trees want to kill your kids.
8) The Tree from Poltergeist
Tree in the backyard tries to eat Robbie. Trees want to kill your kids!
7) The Forest from Babes in Toyland
An entire forest comes to life to kidnap two children. For the love of god, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REAPEAT MYSELF?!
6) The Christmas Tree from Black Christmas
Deranged killer Billy breaks back into his old home, now a sorority, and kills co-eds… until he is impaled on a Christmas tree. Oh yeah. Trees can kill slasher-movie psychopaths, the most un-killable characters ever invented. Be afraid.
5) The Bosom Tree from The Last Unicorn
In what has got to be the most disturbing scene in animated film history, a willow comes to life and immediately tries to smother a man to death with her tree-breasts. Not only do trees want to kill you, they want to have their way with you afterwards!
4) The Tree that Rapes Bruce Campbell’s Sister in Evil Dead
Although this tree just wants to flat-out rape you, I don’t know if that’s a step up or a step down from “The Last Unicorn” sex tree. Either way, these trees are up to no good!
3) The Apple Trees from The Wizard of Oz
Dorothy Gale and company make the fatal mistake of stopping in an apple orchard on their way to the Emerald City. What comes next has been burned into the minds of helpless children around the world. The trees want to kill you with projectile weapons MADE OUT OF THEIR OWN BODIES! When plants are armed, what comes next?
2) The Ents from The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Walking battle-trees, that comes next! The Ents are deciduous demons who destroy the towers of Isengard at the urging of two very stupid Hobbits. Oh Hobbits, don’t you understand? It’s Saruman’s evil lair today, it’s your homes they’ll be tearing apart while drowning the survivors in a river tomorrow!
1) Every Photosynthesizing Bastard on the Face of the Planet in The Happening
The acme of eco-horror! Trees team up with flowers, grass, and lichens, using pollen and chemicals to force humans into committing mass suicide. The trees will kill you with literally homegrown neurotoxins -- time to move to the inner city.
Little Shop of Horrors: Not on the main list only because the Audrey II is technically an alien plant and not a tree. But it still wants to eat you, so it makesthe cut!
Swamp Thing: After his experiment is sabotaged, scientist Allec Holland turns half-human, half plant and murders the shit out of a ton of people. On the list.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: Their intentions are right there in the title. It doesn’t get clearer than that.