War On Women Drinking Game!

This past year, male lawmakers suddenly realized women have ovaries — and we’re not using them correctly (i.e., not the way they would use them, by golly)!  As ladies, this sudden attack on birth control practices that have been perfectly legal for over half a century years sucks hard core. Luckily, Comediva has figured out a way to pass this ignominious time in American history — by drinking!

Yes, it’s the War On Women Drinking Game, so get out your shot glass and get ready to down one every time:

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A Fox newscaster can’t see the irony in calling you a lesbian for wanting birth control access — pour a shot of vodka and knock it back!

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The words “religious freedom” are used to justify sticking a metal wand up your junk — take a swig of Communion wine.

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A pharmacist won’t fill your prescription because he had a dream last night that the retainer he lost in second grade told him only sinners use the pill, and also this is Texas — do one shot of Bourbon, cowgirl.

The Governor of a southern state declares only witches use IUDs — add rum to your sweet tea and chug!

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A talk radio host blames 9/11 on your sex life — mix a LiberTea (Black Tea, Wild Turkey Bourbon and American Honey) and drink for a solid 30 seconds.

Insane Clown Posse changes the words of their song “Miracle” to illustrate how no one really knows where babies come from (it’s a miracle!) — finish off that Malt Liquor.

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Mitt Romney declares — you know, we’re not even going to finish this one. Trust us, it’s bad. Two shots of Maker’s Mark.

Congress decrees all women seeking abortions must wear a Scarlet A — knock back a pint of Ruby port.

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Your state cuts funding for Planned Parenthood and you have breast cancer — time for three pink jello shots!

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The newest bestselling teen lit craze is about Vampires who are part of the Quiverfull movement and spend the entire book pregnant — drink a Sparkly Cosmo (Absolut, Triple Sec, Champagne, cranberry juice and lime).

A Senator who gets free Viagra from his subsidized and government-provided health plan lectures you on how it is immoral to have your private insurer pony up for Ortho Tri-cyclen — sip Schnaps until the assassination urge has passed.

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Gynecologists in Arizona legally mandated to begin exams with, “And how much of a slut were you this year?” — do a shooter full of Cactus Wine (Tequila and Peyote Tea).

Women are kicked off a congressional panel about women’s health because of “cooties” and “They’re so emotional, amiright fellas?” — Grey Goose Whiskey, straight. Drink however much you feel appropriate, short of brain death.

You live a country that no longer sees you as a person, only as a walking reproductive organ that must be controlled by men at all time — down Tequila until you black out and don’t have to deal with American politics.


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About the author

Josie Campbell

Josie Campbell is a freelance writer and blogger; past work has included writing webseries for Warner Brothers as well as jokes for comedians such as Jay Mohr and Norm MacDonald. Check out her work at: www.cozyjamble.com

View all articles by Josie Campbell