Welcome to Chick-fil-gAy!

Queer peeps and our allies have been in an uproar ever since Chick-fil-A’s COO, Dan Cathy, proudly admitted to doing everything in his power to quash all hopes of de-homophobization. Suddenly those sandwiches and fries that once brought so much joy to so many were tainted with the bitter, pickly taste of hatred and ignorance. So what, then, must we of open minds and hearts do to fill that black hole now overtaking our stomachs?

Here are some other things you can do instead of sneaking out of your home for a late-night, guilty Chick-fil-A run, under the guise of “needing toilet paper”:

1. Eat Oreos

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Just before Cathy’s announcement, America’s favorite cookie released an ad in honor of LGBTQIA Pride Month. So now everyone’s vice has a whole new flavor: Awesomeness. Also, don’t worry about your love handles: if there’s one thing the magic of pride and open-heartedness does, it’s make everything guilt-free.

2. Watch the Muppets

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The Muppets, too, are on board with the ‘mos, banking on the show’s historic devotion to non-traditional couples to unite the masses. Also, is there anything more satisfying than watching a bunch of puppets out-rationalize grown-up bigots?

3. Attend National Same-Sex Kiss Day at Your Local Chick-fil-A

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That’s right: make that Chick-fil-A a bonafide Chick-fil-Gay on Friday, August 3rd. Organizers are encouraging all who support queer marriage to head on over to a Chick-fil-A and make out with someone of the same gender or sex. And, of course, take loads of pictures for all of the internets to see. And the best part is, apart from making Dan Cathy quake in his strictly chick-digging boots, you might just get some action. For a good cause.

4. Open a Gay Fast Food Chain Alternative

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Sure, Micky D’s is all about “lovin’ it,” and Arby’s has that all-too mod cowboy hat and whip, but do we really have a place up for serving a hot, juicy platter of justice to all with some tenderness in their pockets? I’m betting any fast food restaurant with strong ties to the Cause will be able to out-sell Chick-fil-A. In the same vein that Ellen DeGeneres’s JC Penney page gained ten times as many followers as OneMillionMoms.org’s page in 1/10 of the time.

5. Make Your Local Chick-fil-A a Nightly Gay Club Hotspot

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Chances are, a proprietor won’t actually let you host a make-shift gay club inside the restaurant, but the sidewalk/parking lot next door will probably suffice. All you need is a sound system of sorts and ample non-hetero partiers. Be super gay under Chick-fil-A’s well maintained and super bright lights.

6. Work at Chick-fil-A and Anonymously Threaten to Inject All the Chickens with Homo-Hormones

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The best thing about homophobes is the infinite ways you can fuck with them. So I say: take up a job and use your psychic-gay abilities to brainwash all you serve and work with; encourage said people to eat more cows, because lord knows “rBGH hormones” is actually code for “homo-hormones.”

Thumbnail Source: Causes.com 


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About the author

Vickie Toro

Hi, friend! I'm Vickie Toro, and I'm Comediva's Social Media Manager, connecting your comedy-loving hearts with ours through all of your favorite social media addictions. I'm the lesbian in Lesbros, the creator and one of the writers of BAMF Girls Club, and the Frumpy Girl who commiserates with your Style Ineptness. I'm a Potterhead, water-dancer, and overall TV junky. Also sports movies make me cry.

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