What to Do When You’re Sexiled By Techonology

I love technology as much as the next girl. I grew up on the Atari, use Yelp to find the best place to get my eyebrows threaded, and Hulu my way through episodes of Parks and Recreation. I like to think I’ve struck a balance between my real and online lives, but for significant others of the weaker sex, it ain’t always so easy. This can leave your sex life… buffering. And if the only way you can get some face time is by actually using FaceTime, your relationship may be in desperate need of a reboot. If that’s the case, please consider the following solutions to avoid getting sexiled by technology.

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ANALOG SOLUTIONS

1.) Dress up as his favorite character from Arkham Asylum and let him do something IRL he can’t seem to do in the game: win. Let him win hard.

2) Plan a day-trip to a remote area. When he freaks out about not having a signal, offer him a massage to ease his panic and make sure you both get a happy ending. If he’s still not into it, remember: you’re in a remote area with no signal and no witnesses.

3.) Have a frank discussion about your expectations for affection and sex in your shared, monogamous relationship. Earn five Adult Points.

4.) Accidentally forget to pay your half of the cable bill. His exclusion from television-centric discussions around the water cooler will remind him of all the times he was excluded in Little League and leave him hurt, vulnerable… and pwnd. Sxly.

5.) Stomp around the house, cast dark glances, and sigh a lot. If he asks what’s wrong, say “Nothing,” then blow up at him when he asks you to pass the peas. Lose five Adult Points.

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DIGITAL SOLUTIONS

If the analog solutions don’t work, you may have to use the Matrix to destroy the Matrix. These tips may swing the odds of getting laid ever in your favor.

1.) Text him a nude photo. If he doesn’t get it, he’s an idiot.

2.) Schedule sex into his iCal. While you’re in there, add in your birthday with a link to what you really want as well as all relevant dates/anniversaries. If he doesn’t get it, he’s a truant idiot.

3.) Change your Facebook status to Single. If he tweets you a “?!” respond with “Gr8…u lstnd.” Hopefully, this will open up a dialogue.

4.) Hack into all his accounts and post those damning photos from when you went to Burning Man. When he’s jobless and can no longer afford wireless, maybe he’ll finally ask you how your day was. WARNING: this is the relationship equivalent of wiping your hard drive. Be prepared to start from scratch.

If any of these work, you’re in the clear. If not and your boyfriend’s still just not that plugged into you, tell him to HBO GO to hell, lick your emotional wounds, and join OKCupid.


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About the author

Pauline Ekholt

As a graduate of Northwestern University and the USC School of Cinematic Arts, Pauline Ekholt has spent enough money on her brain to own a TCBY.  She gave up all that delicious yogurt for the chance to write comedy professionally.  Because nothing tastes as good as fart jokes feel.  Follow her here.  Or, you know, in your car.

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2 comments

  1. Angelica G

    OKcupid works, met my boyf on there. Still together 3.5 yrs later. Dang, I need a ring don’t I? Anyways, Pauline, you’re my hero. buffering. classic.

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