Why it Sucks to be a Girl in a Zombie Apocalypse

As inspired by the female characters in The Walking Dead graphic novels.

There’s nothing more fun than daydreaming about how long you’d last in a zombie apocalypse, so naturally, it has become a topic of healthy discussion and much debate, brought to a fever pitch by the popular TV adaptation of The Walking Dead.   Though there have only been 6 televised episodes, there are dozens of issues of comics in which a whole lotta shit has gone down for the woman-types.

The ladies of The Walking Dead are, for the most part, nothing short of awesome.  For every whiny Lori and crazy Carol there’s a badass Michonne, who wields a samurai sword like a pro and chains armless undead to herself to ward off other zombies.

Michonne Walking Dead

But nonetheless, one blood-spattered truth is evident: despite the advantage of having purses, surviving a zombie apocalypse is extra rough on the lady-folk, a fact which may escape the comic’s male creators from time to time.  So, here are the top things that f**king suck for girls in zombie-apocalyptic situations.

6. Periods

Getting your period sucks already, let alone getting it when there are millions of bloodthirsty zombies after your juicy human ass.  Bleeding monthly surely makes you more of a target, right? Not to mention the limited access you’ll have to feminine hygiene products.  Food and shelter are scarce enough, let alone sanitary napkins, and you can’t afford to ruin the ONE OUTFIT you’ve been wearing for months since the zombie apocalypse happened.

So this is something never addressed in The Walking Dead.  Do Andrea and Michonne have to kick it old school, and sit in a barn on a bale of hay until their lady-cycle passes and they can get back to blowing zombies’ heads off?

5. Sense of time is f**ked

andrea_walkingdead_300

In The Walking Dead comics, Andrea is kind of a badass — she retains the most sanity despite the various tortures our heroes go through, and is also the sharpest shooter; her sniper skills saving the gang from many a roamer.   So why is everyone always hatin’ on her calendar?

Early on, Andrea starts keeping a calendar in an apparently feeble attempt to retain some of her lost humanity. But it’s brought up no less than 3-4 times how incredibly inaccurate her calendar must be, all to the tune of “Well, Andrea’s calendar is spotty at best, but we think it’s Christmas today…”

Why is everyone always telling Andrea that her calendar sucks?  How ’bout someone else without a monthly cycle gives keeping time a try?  Thought so.  Shut the f**k up, man-types.

4. Men gone crazy

Speaking of man-types, the men have all gone crazy post-zombie-apocalypse!  OK, OK, so everyone has gone kinda crazy.  Watching all your loved ones get munched on before your eyes is pretty traumatic, so you’re PTSDoomed.

But if you’re Lori, and your husband Rick runs off to chase some stupid helicopter he saw in the distance and comes back missing a hand, all while you’re stuck lying on your pregnant ass trying not to vomit all over your one remaining outfit, you’d be pretty freakin’ grouchy too.

LoriandRick_WalkingDead_300

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About the author

Erika Cervantes

Hi!  I'm Erika Cervantes.  I'm Comediva's Boss Lady and Founder.  I'm a comedy writer, a Chihuahua mama, a cupcake enthusiast, and most importantly...my dream is to build the place where the funny girls are, and that's why you're here.  And that makes my heart smile.  :-)  I work on all Comediva Originals in different capacities -- writing and producing, mostly -- and I keep the team well-sugared with motivational speeches and home-made cookies.

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6 comments

  1. Pingback: 7 Walking Dead Crossovers We'd Like to See - Comediva

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  3. Kirsty

    Well lucky I’m a male other wise I’d ble dead right now I don’t know why there’s power and Internet but still

  4. Erika Cervantes
    Erika Cervantes

    @Nikki Ooh, finally a valid reason to use the menstrual cup! And hey, if Carol’s gay enough to marry both Lori and Rick, then she’s gay enough to use a menstrual cup!

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